Stiles knew how a lot of people saw his relationship with Derek. Derek was abrasive and rude. He looked like he was constantly irritated with Stiles and was forever telling him to shut up.
Worse… Stiles had stopped going out and sticking his nose into every supernatural mess that came into Beacon Hills.
It worried people because it was such a sharp change in his behaviour. Not even Stiles’ dad had managed to get Stiles to repress his curiousity and reckless bravery.
If they were some other couple, people would tease them for excessive PDA. Because Derek was always all over Stiles when they were in public. He made it very clear that Stiles was his and everyone else should keep their hands off. Instead of thinking it was cute, everyone worried about how possessive Derek was.
Stiles knew this. He also knew better than to try and defend Derek or his relationship. The more he tried to correct people’s assumptions, the more in denial he sounded about Derek’s ‘abusive’ behaviour.
Stiles hated it but loved Derek more.
“Hey, um, Derek? Do you maybe want to go on a date with me?” Stiles was nervous and couldn’t actually believe that he’d managed to get the courage to finally ask Derek out. But Stiles was done with college and back in Beacon Hills, hopefully for good. Derek had returned and seemed… settled in a way he never had before.
Neither of them was involved with anyone else. It was literally the perfect time to shit or get off the pot. Stiles needed to move on with his life. Stop pining. He didn’t care if it was through crushing rejection or actually getting a chance. Okay, no, he cared. He’d obviously prefer getting a date but either way he’d know.
“No,” Derek looked resolute.
Stiles heart broke. Just a little. Okay, a lot. But. Closure! Now he could move on.
“Okay. Cool. I’m just going to… go now. See you at the next pack meeting,” Stiles turned to leave.
“Wait. Fuck. I never actually thought you’d ask.”
“Oh. I guess I’m not surprised you knew about my epic crush, what with werewolf senses and all. I promise I won’t make things weird. This is the one and only time I’ll ask. I just needed to know, you know?”
“Yes. I knew. What you don’t know is that I’ve wanted you for years.”
“Wait. What? If you knew about my crush and you wanted me, why haven’t we been kissing this entire time? Why did you just say no?”
“Because I can’t… Stiles, you’re loyal, beautiful, smart, and brave. Recklessly brave. You put others over your own safety. It’s one of your best and worst qualities. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who cares so little for their own safety. I already care about you enough that losing you will devestate me. Anything more will destory me.”
“I’m recklessly brave? You, Derek Hale, are calling me recklessly brave? What about you? You’re worse than I am. And why, why would tell me this? A simple rejection would’ve let me move on. What am I supposed to do now that I know you want me but won’t be with me because I’m too reckless or whatever.”
“You’re not wrong. But it isn’t the same with me. I don’t care if I live. I risk myself so everyone else has a better chance. You do it because you care so deeply for people. You’re probably right. I never should’ve told you. I didn’t want you to leave here thinking that I didn’t care. That you weren’t good enough. You are. You’re too good. And I’m too broken to in a relationship with someone like you.”
“Don’t I get a say? A choice? I don’t think you’re broken. Or too broken. I especially don’t think you aren’t good enough for me. You deserve good things.”
“Sure you get a choice. You made it. You decided that you wanted to try, so you asked me out. I also get a choice and I’ve made it. I don’t want to try. I can’t. I won’t. I can’t love and then lose someone as much as I could love you. I’ve already lost so much. I don’t have it in me to lose anything more.”
“It doesn’t make sense, though! There are no guarantees. I could die in a car crash tomorrow.”
“Sure. I know. More than anyone, I know that shit just happens. But dying in a car crash isn’t the same thing as you choosing to go to a supernatural fight and dying. I said I won’t risk it because of your reckless bravery, not because you might die. I know you might. But there is a world of difference between some random shit happening and the way you put yourself in danger.”
“I’m not weak, Derek. I’ve survived this long.”
“Who said anything about you being weak? I’m talking about the choices you make. When was the last time I tried to keep you out? Tried to keep you safe? But like you said, you get a choice. It’s your life. You live it like you want to.”
“So, what, you want me to just… sit at home while the pack is in danger? What if something happens and I wasn’t there? What if I could’ve helped?”
“I don’t want you to do anything. I’m not trying to criticize or change you.”
“But you’re basically saying that if I want a chance to be with you, I need to stop being involved in the supernatural. To stop protecting the people I care about.”
“No. Because this isn’t a negotiation. I already know that you can’t change. It’s why I said you’re too good for me. Because, yeah, I’m selfish. I’m broken and I want you to be mine. I want to come first. I want you choose life with me over protecting the pack. Over your dad. All I’m doing these days is marking time. Surviving. It’s what I do best.
“Being with you would give me something to live for. A reason to not be so careless with my own safety and life. You’d be my first, last, everything. I’d die for you. I’d live for you. I’d always choose you. Do you understand? I’d let your dad die to save you. Or Scott. Or anyone else.
“Is that what you want? What you really want? Because I don’t think it is. Would you be willing to let your dad die to save me? Could you still love me if I let your dad die and saved you?”
Stiles was speechless. Because Derek was sharing a lot. Was saying a lot. More than Stiles had ever heard. And he was being so open and vulnerable. Stiles had no idea what to do with any of this.
“I don’t know what to do with any of this. My dad is all I have.”
“I know. You’ve said it many times. The times when you’re at your fiercest – at your cruelest – are when your dad is in danger. But I want that for myself. It’s okay though. You have your dad. You have Scott and the rest of the pack. You’ll get over me and fall in love with someone amazing.”
“And what will you have?”
“What I’ve had for a very long time: nothing.”
“You have me. Even if we aren’t together, you have me.”
“I don’t. I know you care. You’ve proved it so many times. I know I can trust you. That you’ll be there when you can. But you aren’t mine. Because I know that if you had to choose between me and your dad, you’d pick your dad. Or Scott.”
Derek turned and walked away.
Stiles let him go. Because he couldn’t really argue with Derek. Not now that he understood what Derek wanted. Because, no, he wasn’t Derek’s. Derek didn’t ‘have’ him in that all-encompassing way he apparently wanted. And Stiles didn’t know if he could be that for Derek.
There was a lot to think about. A lot of Stiles wanted to follow Derek’s advice and let it go. Let himself get over this crush and move on. But a part of him couldn’t stop thinking about what Derek said. That he had nothing to live for. That he didn’t care if he died. The problem was that he wasn’t over his crush. So he cared a lot about Derek. About the fact that he felt so utterly alone in the world. Derek deserved to have someone.
But could Stiles be that someone?
There are two people in his life that he’d always placed above all others: his dad and Scott. In that order. For the longest time there were really the only two people in his life. Ms. McCall to a lesser extent. Everything Stiles did was for one of them (or both). He wasn’t sure he could change that. That he should even try. He was, as a lot of people said, loyal to a fault.
Which, now that he thought about it, was an interesting phrase. Loyal to a fault. When he really thought about it, it didn’t sound like a good thing. To be so loyal that instead of a virtue, it becomes a character flaw. A fault. Is there such as thing as being too loyal?
What would that look like?
Would it look like tenaciously clinging to his dad? Despite the alcoholism after his mom died and the way Stiles had had to grow up really fast to start taking care of his dad. And the following years of ‘benign’ neglect. His dad was a single dad and cop, so he wasn’t around all that much. And the way that Stiles obsessed and worried about his dad when he was working but his dad only seemed to really notice Stiles when Stiles was causing some kind of problem. His mom had been his dad’s first love. Would always be his dad’s first love. Even years after her death, Stiles was only second in his heart.
Would it look like him constantly putting Scott first, even when it seemed that Scott didn’t put him first? Scott still cared. Still loved Stiles. But his attention was split. More so now that he was the alpha. Stiles had resented this for a long time, but understood now. They were growing up. They had more people in their lives. Scott was his bro. A friend so close he called him ‘brother’. But even siblings could grow apart. And it was okay. It was just life and growing up.
Stiles wondered if he was the abnormal one. He seemed to care so much more deeply and intensely than everyone else. He knew this about himself. Which is why he’d always been fine with the fact that his dad and Scott didn’t reciprocate his intensity. He knew they loved him, even if it wasn’t to the same degree as he did them.
But… it sounded like Derek could love Stiles to the same degree. That he’d be just as intense and obsessive as Stiles.
Derek could love Stiles in the way he’d always craved.
Stiles wanted that.
But it wasn’t just as simple as thinking that, telling Derek, and living happily ever after. He was, after all, loyal to a fault. He couldn’t just… shift his loyalties on a dime. Even if he made the choice, now, to put Derek first, it would take time to change his behaviour. Time before he could prove it to Derek and himself that his loyalties had shifted. Because, at this point in time, he had a squirming sensation when he thought about picking Derek over his dad. Or simply not charging headlong into the next supernatural fight to make sure Scott (and everyone else) lived.
Derek hadn’t expected anything to change after his talk (rejection) of Stiles. He was glad that things hadn’t gotten weird between him and Stiles. Life went on. Sure, he still wanted Stiles. But he’d been dealing with that for years. It was fine. He’d never had hope that putting it all out there would’ve meant they had a chance. Stiles always made it clear where his loyalty and priorities laid.
As he’d told Stiles: his loyalty and the reckless bravery that resulted was the best and worst thing about him. Part of why he loved Stiles.
So he hoped he could be forgiven for not noticing right away. Life went on and Stiles kept doing a lot of the supernatural-related research. But when the fights happened Derek could never find him. Keeping a part of him always focused on Stiles when they were fighting was second nature. At this point, it was actually more distracting when he couldn’t sense Stiles because it made him worry that something had happened to him.
It wasn’t until the third or fourth time of him returning to the loft, after a fight, to find Stiles waiting that it clicked. He couldn’t sense Stiles at the fights because he wasn’t there. Instead he was, apparently, at Derek’s loft. He was frequently at Derek’s loft so Derek hadn’t thought about it much. But it was actually a new thing for him to be at Derek’s loft after a fight. Usually they all just went home to rest and recover.
A few more fights later, Derek was no longer looking for Stiles. And being able to properly focus meant he wasn’t getting hurt as much. Stiles noticed (because he always noticed). Derek wasn’t sure what to make of it, but he was happy about it.
Stiles had made his choice. He’d chosen Derek. In the end, it had been easy and only became easier to keep choosing Derek. After sitting out a bunch of supernatural fights, he’d seen that Derek wasn’t coming back with as many bloody holes and tears in his clothes. If him not being in a fight meant Derek got hurt less? Totally worth it.
So far, that’s the biggest and most obvious change. There are smaller ones that, if put together, signaled a significant change.
Like his dad’s diet. He still comments on it, since it’s part of their dynamic and banter now, but he doesn’t really do anything to restrict his dad’s diet anymore. He has finally accepted, once and for all, that his dad is an adult who can make his own choices. If his choices negatively impact his health, that’s his business.
Thing is, his dad knows why Stiles obsesses about his diet and health. Knows that it’s a consequence of losing his mom. That Stiles does it because he loves his dad and wants him to live forever. His dad knows all of this but still basically eats crap unless Stiles is forcing him into healthier choices. Stiles figures that if his dad wants to eat burgers more than he cares about Stiles or his own health? He made the right choice in choosing Derek.
Or the fact that he hasn’t heard from or seen Scott in weeks because he stopped texting. He’d texted, weeks ago, asking if Scott wanted to hang out and hasn’t heard anything since. Not even to tell Stiles about pack meetings or other shit. Stiles only now realizes that Derek’s the one who’s been keeping Stiles in the loop. And Derek isn’t even the alpha!
At this point, Stiles is only willing to put as much effort into his friendship with Scott as Scott is. Which apparently means no effort because it looks like if Stiles isn’t putting 100%, he simply doesn’t hear from Scott. And will only see him at pack meetings.
After a few weeks of these small changes, it becomes easier to just not go out with the pack to the fights. To stay behind at Derek’s loft and wait. He’s still Stiles and that means he’s anxious as fuck the entire time Derek is out fighting. It’s frequently what had him charging out. He has to know. Can’t stomach the thought of not being there in case he’s needed.
Turns out he isn’t, not for the fights. His research is still invaluable. And he notices the trend. Derek gets hurt less often. He finds out, though, that everyone else is getting hurt more. Apparently without Derek or Stiles to put themselves between the others and danger, they get hurt more. While Stiles is happy to see that his participation makes a difference, he’s kind of happy that he isn’t in a state of constant recovery. And very happy that Derek isn’t getting as badly hurt.
Behaviour takes time to change. But it’s easier to change your behaviour when you get tangible and positive results.
Stiles starts finding himself obsessing over how to make Derek’s life better, happier, and easier. The focus and attention he used to exert for his dad’s health? Over maintaining his friendship with Scott? All that considerable focus gets directed to Derek.
He directs his energy towards figuring out how to show Derek that he now comes first for Stiles.
Step one in his plan is moving out of his dad’s house.
Stiles had gone to a school close enough that he could commute. Not the best school he could’ve gone to but it was cheap(ish) and he hadn’t wanted to leave his dad alone. Unlike many other people his age, he didn’t care that he still lived at home. He liked being close to his dad. He also hadn’t wanted to be too far from the pack, despite a lot of the pack going to schools further away. His dad had been disappointed in his choice of college since Stiles had gotten into a few top tier schools. But they were expensive and far. He got a full ride at the local college and he knew that he’d always live in Beacon Hills. It was where his dad was. Where Derek and the pack were. What was the point of going to a top tier college if he didn’t have ambitions to match? Go to Stanford only to end up working with Beacon Hills’ police?
Not that Stiles wanted to be a cop anymore. He’d wanted to in the past because he wanted to be like his dad. Wanted to protect people. To maybe solve crime. Except he already did that with the pack. Did more concrete good that way then he ever could as a cop. Plus… without the admiration of his dad in the way, he knew better than most that cops didn’t do much crime solving or protecting. It was more speeding tickets, paperwork, and harassing people of colour. No thanks.
Point being, him moving out was a big deal. The first major sign of his changed priorities. Not living at home meant not taking care of his dad. Not making healthy meals. Not cleaning up around the house. Not doing all the many things Stiles did to make his dad’s life easier.
Because he was all about science, he even conducted a little expirement. He moved out without telling anyone. Not even Derek.
It took Derek less than 24hrs to notice and hunt him down.
It took his dad about a week. But only because of the pile of dishes, dirty washroom, lack of food, etc. He’d made an irate call to Stiles to ask him why he wasn’t doing his chores. Stiles had said he was moving out like a month ago, didn’t his dad remember? His dad had bluffed and lied, saying he remembered now but had forgotten because work had been busy.
It was coming on two months and Scott still hadn’t noticed. Longer than that since Stiles had sent one last text asking him to hangout.
Derek’s life had become strangely domestic. He used to think that Stiles was always around being irritating (read: adorable and frustratingly out of reach). He used to think that because now Stiles was always around. It was great. And awful.
Stiles was suddenly around puttering in his kitchen. Making food. Shit, they frequently made dinner together. Stiles was around all day because he was ‘between jobs’. Derek just thought he was a slacker. Until he realized that Stiles was trying to figure out what to do with his life. Derek had thought he was going to just be a cop but apparently Stiles didn’t want that anymore.
So he moaned and bitched about wasting four years in school getting a criminology degree he was never going to use. The only saving grace was that he had no student debt.
Derek wasn’t sure if Stiles was looking for a job or not. He spent a lot of time on his laptop but was also teaching himself Latin (archaic and classical).
Derek didn’t really care since he liked having Stiles around. Even if it was kind of awful.
It smelled so strongly of Stiles in his place. Worse it smelled so strongly of Stiles and himself. The loft felt more like a real home than it ever had.
Derek was starting to get a suspicion about what was going on. He wasn’t stupid or oblivious. Stiles had moved out of his dad’s place. Wasn’t jumping in head first into every single supernatural confrontation (he ‘just’ solved the mystery, researched, and turned it over for rest of the pack to deal with). Stiles never smelled like Scott when, at one point, they’d been so close that their scents were entwined. Stiles also only faintly smelled like his dad.
It was a pattern. A pattern that, despite fighting it, set off a little flare of hope in him.
He still wasn’t sure he could trust his observations yet. Stiles hadn’t said anything but Derek didn’t care about that.
(Kate had said so many things. Made so many promises. He learned his lessons: actions matter more than words and they always would.)
Things came to a head. Beacon Hills was always (would always be) about flashy drama.
The first is with Scott at a pack meeting. They’re discussing the latest threat and Scott tells Stiles that he needs to investigate some decrepit house. Might be the hideout. Or something. Stiles is supposed to go alone.
Normally, before, Scott wouldn’t even had to ask. Stiles probably would’ve already been to the house. And since Stiles is good at what he does, he probably would’ve been right. There was something hinky and he would’ve ended up getting caught. Or hurt. Or something because it was always something.
Derek is growling and saying Stiles shouldn’t go at all. Much less with someone else (which is the logical compromise between going alone and not going). If Stiles hadn’t already done something impulsive, this is where he’d argue and say it was fine. He could do it. He would do it. And he didn’t need a babysitter.
Things have changed. So Stiles just says ’no’. Agrees with Derek that he shouldn’t go. Not even with someone. He has no real problem going but not before someone else scouts it out. He isn’t willing, anymore, to step into unknown danger. As long as he’s a part of this, he’ll never really be ‘safe’ but he can be safer. More cautious. Let other people take the risks he never used to think twice about.
Scott is stunned because Stiles has never refused him. Because Stiles is agreeing with Derek.
There is a fierce ensuing argument where Scott tries to convince him. It’s easy to say ’no’, though, when he can see something soft and hopeful in Derek’s eyes. Because Derek knows. He understands what kind of gesture Stiles is making.
Scott leaves in a huff since he’s forced to cancel a date and check out the house himself. As expected, something happens. Scott gets into trouble and, for some bizarre reason, calls Stiles. Its the first time he’s called Stiles in months. Stiles answers and when he asks for help, Stiles calls Isaac and gets him to go instead.
The next is with Stiles’ dad. This one is especially dramatic. It happens during one of those epic cluster fucks Beacon Hills like to toss their way every so often. When so much is happening that it’s impossible to keep track of where everyone is and what is even happening.
There’s some sort of witch or whatever that likes to cast curses. Not particularly evil or deadly ones but they are cruel and twisted. They’re all running around trying to break the curses and everything is super chaotic.
It takes less than an hour for Stiles to realize that the witch has been doing this as a distraction. Her real goal? Capture Derek for some reason or other. He has been staying behind. Not throwing himself into danger but he can’t for this. Not when it’s Derek. Especially not when Scott isn’t listening and won’t prioritize Derek. Not even when Stiles tells him that it’s how they’ll find the witch and break all the curses.
It’s in that moment that Stiles really, really gets what Derek was saying. Derek needs someone to put him first because no one does. Derek is strong and a survivor, so everyone figures he’ll be fine. Or something. Stiles isn’t sure and doesn’t care.
Of course, this also ends up being the day his dad has a heart attack, always one of Stiles’ biggest worries. Why he’d obsessed over his diet. He happens to get the call notifying him when he’s trying to convince Scott to follow the lead he’s found. He knows where the witch is. Where Derek probably is. He wants Scott and the pack to go rescue Derek. But it’s looking more and more like he’ll have to go alone.
Then his phone rings. It’s Ms. McCall saying his dad had a heart attack. Pretty bad and is being prepped for surgery. If he hurries he can see his dad before they operate. This is usually the point where he’d drop everything and rush to the hospital. Because while Scott isn’t listening, he does usually come through in the end. So Stiles knows that Derek will be rescued. Not as soon as he’d like. Not now. But Derek is a survivor and Scott is frequently the hero.
He doesn’t rush off. He just stops arguing with Scott and goes to find Derek. He still cares about his dad. He wants to see him. But he’s not leaving Derek with the witch for a second longer than he has to. Because people usually hurt Derek when they catch him. Stiles can’t stand the thought of leaving him to be tortured. Stiles being at the hospital won’t make a difference.
So he goes and rescues Derek. It goes as well as you can expect when you have a single, breakable human against a witch. But he does enough that Derek is able to free himself and kill the witch. Also does enough that he gets hurt and has to go to the hospital. Probably just a broken wrist, but still.
Stiles forgot to tell Derek that his dad had a heart attack and was probably in surgery. So Derek is shocked when Ms. McCall tells them, tears running down her face, that his died on the operating table. Stiles missed his chance to say goodbye because he was rescuing Derek instead.
Stiles waits to feel horrible. Guilty. Regret. Nothing. It sucks but he’d made his choice.
Both he and Derek forget to tell Scott (or anyone else) that they’d dealt with the witch. So when Scott comes tearing in a few hours later saying they tracked down the witch only to find her already dead, he demands answers.
Wants to know why they didn’t tell him. Why Stiles went after Derek when the pack was already on it. If it was worth saving Derek just a few hours of captivity to miss out on seeing his dad one last time.
Stiles only shrugs and says, “Yes.”
Derek knows, in that moment, that Stiles is utterly his. That Stiles made a choice and, beyond all hope or reason, chose Derek.
Wolves don’t mate for life or any ridiculous thing like that. No mystical bond to tie them together forever. Derek is happy. Glad for it. Because it means that he is a choice Stiles makes. One that he keeps making.
That the scarred bite mark on Stiles’ neck represents his choice; a symbolic claim.
A way to mark him as Derek’s.
Stiles revels in having Derek’s total focus. In having his own fierce love and loyalty returned.
He knows what people think about his relationship with Derek. That they think the loss of his father drove him into the arms of the dangerous man his father once arrested.
The arms of a man who never seems to smile or laugh. Who possessively crowds Stiles when other people are close. Who wouldn’t let Stiles be a cop or have any other job.
They feel a great deal of pity for Stiles. For his lost potential; everyone knows Stiles was bright. Could’ve had a real future.
Instead he’s an orphan dating a bad man.
Stiles knows what people think. He just doesn’t care.
He made a choice. He’s never regretted it. And he’ll keep making that choice for the rest of his life.