It’s only been a few weeks since the nogitsune was given its eviction notice when Stiles shows up at Derek’s door clutching his pillow.
Stiles knocks. It’s the first time he’s ever knocked when he knew Derek was home.
To Derek, this is, perhaps, one of the biggest signs of how deeply the possession has impacted Stiles. In the past, Stiles never once hesitated to barge in, regardless of how Derek felt about it.
This time, he knocks.
So when the door slides open, Derek sees the pillow and just steps aside without a word.
“Can I sleep on your couch? Dad’s at work, he’s been working a lot, and I… just… can’t spend another night alone in the house. Please?” Stiles looks strung out, exhausted. His eyes are bleak and pleading.
Derek just nods and gestures towards the couch. Grabs a blanket and gives it to Stiles.
It takes about five minutes after Stiles collapses onto the couch for him to fall asleep.
It takes about three hours of sleep for him to wake up panting and drenched in sweat after a nightmare.
Derek rubs his back until he falls asleep again.
Slowly but surely, Derek’s place becomes a refuge for Stiles. From the emptiness at home and the oppressive quiet. This isn’t to say that Derek is suddenly not quiet. He’s quiet but Stiles doesn’t expect him to be any other way. Just having another person around creates noise. A comforting background noise that assures Stiles that he isn’t alone.
Everyone else is either too quiet or too loud around him. Quiet because they don’t know what to say. Or they are grieving, like Scott, Isaac, and Lydia. Loud because they are trying to fill in the quiet with false, bright chatter.
The way Stiles used to. The way he still sometimes does.
What surprises Stiles is that Derek actually listens when he talks and talks and talks. He listens and actually engages. It’s a level of companionship they’ve never had.
Derek is there and Stiles doesn’t feel like an intruder. Like a burden.
Stiles knocks every single time he goes to Derek’s. He always asks if he can spend the night.
He never barges in anymore. Never assumes.
‘No’ has become a sacred word to him. Boundaries too.
After screaming ’no’ and ‘stop’ in his head for weeks, he’ll never, ever not ask before he takes and not listen when the answer is ’no’.
Turns out that this is the secret to unlocking Derek’s friendship.
The moment Stiles stops gleefully stomping over Derek’s boundaries. The moment he stops pushing at them just to see what happens…
This is the moment a true friendship begins to build between them.
Derek’s had too many people in his life who didn’t listen when he’s said ’no’.
Stiles understands Derek in a way Derek would never wish on anyone.
Stiles is surprised when he learns that Derek has been going to therapy. Not for long, but he’s been going.
Of course, he learns Derek’s been going when he suggests that Stiles might want to see someone.
“I can’t. I don’t… need it. I’ll be fine,” Stiles insists.
Derek just looks at him. Looks around his loft. Where Stiles has been spending more and more time. Stiles still isn’t sleeping well. He has a really hard time getting up in the morning. Would probably spend way, way more time just lying there if Derek didn’t prod him up. His anxiety is worse than ever. He’s been having panic attacks. Like… a lot of them.
Stiles isn’t stupid. He’s also the one who researches. He knows very well that he is depressed. Has at least two different anxiety disorders. Definitely has PTSD.
He’s not fine. And, right now, it feels like he definitely never will be fine again.
So he sighs. Because Derek is right. He does need help, but he doesn’t want to do therapy. Not right now.
Fortunately, he isn’t a werewolf. He can live better through chemistry.
This is how he ends up on no less than two anti-depressants and a prescription for sublingual lorazepam (he sticks it under his tongue and gets chemically induced calm within minutes).
It’s super.
But Derek makes him feel like a fucking champion for doing it. So maybe it’s okay.
After the fifth consecutive night that Derek has fallen asleep on the couch with Stiles after comforting him through a nightmare, Derek just asks if he wants to sleep in the bed with him.
The couch really isn’t built for a fairly large werewolf and a long, lanky human.
“Are you sure?” Stiles asks. He wants to sleep in the bed. Really badly.
“Yes, Stiles. Having you there might actually help with my nightmares,” Derek replies.
“Wait. Your nightmares? Why haven’t I noticed? God, I’m a bad friend.”
“My nightmares are quiet. Half the time your nightmares wake me up, I’m in the middle of my own. But I never have them when I’m with you, on the couch.”
“Huh. Why’s that, do you think?”
“My guess it’s having pack close. So many of my nightmares are about losing pack. The fire. Erica and Boyd. The rest of you. But when you’re right there where I can smell and touch you… I know I’m not alone. That I still have pack,” Derek isn’t looking at Stiles right now. For all that Derek’s been better about talking, especially about his feelings, being open (vulnerable) still isn’t easy for him.
“Yeah. Okay. Since you’re sure…” Stiles gathers his pillow and places it on Derek’s bed. Slips underneath the covers.
Derek follows a moment later.
In the dark, he reaches a hand out to grasp onto Stiles'.
It’s a turning point. Stiles stops pretending that Derek’s loft isn’t where he wants to be, like, all the time. He spends most of his nights there. Most of his time out of school, for that matter. To the point that most of his stuff is scattered around Derek’s loft. They move Derek’s bed into one of the rooms upstairs, since various other pack members still show up whenever.
Stiles isn’t sure whether anyone knows he’s basically living with Derek and aren’t saying anything. Or if they just don’t care.
Everyone is sort of… moving past what happened. But things aren’t the same. Could never really be the same. They still talk to him. But something is missing. Stiles isn’t sure, though, whether or not the disconnect he feels is because he’s depressed or because it’s real. Could be that the others are depressed and likewise feeling disconnected.
Isaac leaving with Chris Argent doesn’t help. No one blames him. But… there are so many gaps in the pack where all the people they’ve lost should be. None of them quite know how to fit themselves back together again.
It doesn’t help that this might be the biggest lull between crises they’ve had since it all started. Almost none of them were friends before and they’ve never had time to really build relationships outside of ‘we need to band together or we’ll die’ situations.
So it’s all awkward and stilted.
Except with him and Derek. That’s been easy. So much easier than Stiles ever thought anything between him and Derek could be.
It helps that Derek doesn’t try to use threats and intimidation to get his way with Stiles anymore. And that Stiles isn’t an antagonistic shit who pokes and pushes at Derek’s boundaries.
In the rare moments Stiles let himself daydream what a relationship with Derek would be like (beyond the potentially mind blowing sex), he always thought that it would be… explosive. Not bad or abusive, but lots of squabbling or bickering and probably more than a few fights.
Instead it’s quiet. And so very, very peaceful. Comfort and succour in a way he never could’ve imagined. They don’t fight. They don’t bicker. There’s some gentle teasing. But mostly it’s quiet affection.
Not that they are in a ‘relationship’. At least not in the romantic sense. As far as Stiles knows, they are just friends. They’ve never discussed being anything else. And for all that Derek used to feature in some of Stiles’ sexual fantasies, after the whole Eichen House thing, sex is the last thing Stiles wants from anyone right now. This is also a mental health thing, he knows.
Their relationship status changes on a perfectly ordinary day. Stiles is rushing to get ready for school and when Derek is handing off a lunch he’s prepared, Stiles leans in, gives a quick kiss to his lips, says, “Bye, love you!” and runs out the door.
(Leaving a quietly stunned Derek behind.)
Stiles is about halfway to school when he realizes just what he did.
He waits for panic to start churning in his gut. Or even just low level anxiety.
But there’s nothing.
It had felt so natural. He realizes, now, that he’s been falling in love with Derek for a while now. That he loves him. But also can’t really pinpoint when it started. This love, like their relationship, has been an organic thing. Growing slowly but surely. Until all he can feel for Derek is a tender, quiet sort of love.
The only thing that worries him is that he hadn’t asked if he could.
Derek is waiting when he gets home. His eyes are soft and his smile warm.
“Uh, so, like, this morning happened…” Stiles mumbles.
“Yes. It did.”
“Okay. So I spent the entire day waiting to feel anxious about kissing you and telling you I loved you. It never happened. It felt right. Natural. Almost like it wasn’t even our first kiss. I’m sorry that I didn’t ask before doing it,” Stiles is fidgeting.
“It’s okay, Stiles. I love you. Kisses like that are fine. More than that… yes, you should ask first. Just like I will. Right now, I’m not ready for more.”
“Awesome! Great! Fantastic, even. I’m, ah, not ready for more either. Does the inclusion of kissing and love confessions mean we are getting a romance upgrade to our friendship subscription, or still just friends? Either is cool with me.”
Derek huffs a laugh and rolls his eyes, “I’ll take the romance upgrade.”
“Do you think I’d make a good dad?” Stiles asks Derek.
They are lying in bed and Stiles is thinking about the future. He isn’t sure he actually wants kids but his brain, as always, is thinking about the possibility. It’s taken him and Derek so long to reach this point: where they could lay comfortable in each other’s arms and Stiles feeling secure enough in their relationship to ask random but loaded questions about future possible children. More than anything, he’s not sure about kids because reaching this point was so hard won that he doesn’t want to risk their current ease by adding something as volatile as kids.
“Probably not,” was Derek’s laconic answer. They were comfortable and Derek did talk more than he used to but he was never going to be a big talker. But Stiles is a little surprised at that blunt, bald ’no’.
“Uh, um, wow. Just ’no’, huh? Why not?” Stiles sputters out.
“You love your dad, right?”
“Well, yeah, obviously. He was all I had for the longest time,” Stiles isn’t sure where Derek is going with this.
“Okay. How do you feel about his neglect and bad parenting?”
This has Stiles going tense and his anger sparks. Because how dare Derek say that his dad is a bad parent. His dad loves him. Stiles knows this and has always known it, “Excuse you? My dad is a great parent. He did the best he could. It’s not like he was Isaac’s dad.”
“There you go. This is why you’d be a bad parent.”
The only reason why Stiles isn’t losing his shit is the soft way that Derek says this. And the look of compassion in his eyes. Derek is so much better than the angry guy Stiles met years ago but being vulnerable is still a challenge for him. And it’s knowing this, knowing that Derek isn’t trying to be mean that helps Stiles keep a lid on his temper.
“I think that I need a real explanation. Because it sounds like you’re calling my dad abusive, not just a bad parent.”
“Remember that this is all stuff you told me. You told me about how your dad lost himself to a bottle for a year or two after your mom died. And no, before you interrupt, his alcoholism isn’t what makes him a bad dad. What made him a bad dad was basically forcing you, at eight years old, to not only take care of yourself but him as well. So too with the years that followed. He worked too much, especially nights, and left you alone way too much. You basically raised yourself after your mom died. No, your dad wasn’t abusive but he was neglectful. And neglect is a type of child maltreatment. And the impact of neglect on children is just as bad and serious as abuse.”
Stiles is… stunned. That Derek would throw all this stuff he’d said back in his face, just to run his dad down was beyond not okay.
“What the fuck, Derek? I didn’t tell you all that stuff just so you could make my dad look like he was a bad dad. He loves me. He was great!”
Derek nodded, “Okay.”
“I don’t understand. Will you please tell me why?”
“Look up neglect sometime. I did. Because I sometimes discuss you in therapy and my therapist pointed out some of this to me. I never said anything in the past because I know how you react to even the most minor criticism of your dad. But you bring up kids and ask me if I think you’ll be a good dad? I’m not going to lie to you. Your defensiveness over your dad and rose-coloured glasses are why you probably wouldn’t be a good parent.”
“Wait. You wouldn’t have kids with me because I think my dad was a great dad?” Stiles was upset and a little hurt. It was only compounded by Derek’s relative calm. Because he, fuck his life, is still trying to be gentle. This, more than anything, is the sliver of doubt worming into Stiles’ mind. Because Derek isn’t saying any of this to be an asshole (which he would always be regardless of how much time he spent in therapy).
“While it’s a common misconception that kids who were maltreated are more likely to mistreat their own kids, one of the major deciding factors is whether or not a person recognizes that they were mistreated as a kid. So yeah. Unless you’re willing to be a lot more honest with yourself, I wouldn’t take the risk. Not with the life we lead and not with all my own baggage and issues.”
“But… I just…”
“Not that it matters much because I don’t want kids and never will. My time with you is too precious and necessary to me to want to give any of it up,” Derek’s soft, loving eyes were killing Stiles and his anger.
His mind is a mess of emotions. Because his dad is great and he loves him. And his dad loves him back. Isn’t that the most important thing? The only thing that matters? Stiles doesn’t care too much about the kid thing, since it was an idle question that started all this, not because he actually wants kids.
“I don’t actually want kids. I don’t not want them, either. But it isn’t like a dream or whatever. So I’m fine with never having any,” Stiles doesn’t want to talk about his dad anymore, so he just pushes it all aside and is going to pretend like most of this talk hadn’t happened, “I love our time together too and I love you.”
Derek’s smile is soft and a little sad. But he leans forward to give Stiles a gentle kiss.
Stiles thought that the little glowing ember he felt in his heart, the one that flared to life when Derek became his boyfriend, was because he’d realized he loved Derek. And that Derek loved him. And then they did the mature thing, talked about it, and decided to be in a romantic relationship.
Turns out that that wasn’t quite the case, “What’s this about mates now?”
Derek looked somewhat bashful, “Well… We’re mates. I… never thought I’d have one so I didn’t recognize the signs at first. But I can feel the bond growing.”
“The bond?”
“It’s a warmth I feel in my heart. It’s like a pack bond, but more. The change happened slowly so it was easy to overlook. I’m sorry. It’s the sort of thing we should’ve discussed before it began…”
“Wait, that’s what this is? It’s a mate bond? I remember when it started to grow. I thought it was just how falling in love felt. Why haven’t I ever heard about this before?”
“It’s… not common. It’s not like the romanticized stuff you see in fiction. Not destiny. Not every wolf ends up mating. It’s special. We try to keep it out of lore, which is easier than most things because it’s sort of sacred but also unique to the people involved. The sort of thing talked about in children’s tales. We didn’t have a mated couple in my family.”
“Huh. I guess if it’s unique to the couple, you can’t really tell me how or why it happened. What does it mean, though? Because you’re definitely making it sound like its a big deal. Like a bigger deal than us just being boyfriends.”
“It means that… we’re sort of committed to each other for life. It’s not permanent. We aren’t trapped or anything. It’s also not something that can be forced. But mate bonds don’t happen unless the people involved are truly, deeply devoted to each other. It’s why they are fairy tales. A way to teach kids that if they are loyal enough, if they love hard enough, they can earn a companion for life.”
“Which, um, it seems like we are? For each other? Wow. This is a lot. But in a good way. Like, I’ve never doubted that you love me. But… it’s comforting to know that it goes as deep as mine for you. And I really wouldn’t want anyone else to be a companion for life. I can’t imagine my life without you anymore,” Stiles is manly enough to feel no embarrassment over the tears in his eyes.
Derek surges forward and hugs Stiles tightly because. Yeah. He’d never expected to have a mate. Certainly never thought he’d deserve one after Paige. Derek was tired of being alone. Of feeling like he was alone, even when he had people around him. But he’d never be alone again. Couldn’t be. Not with Stiles at his side.
After the whole mate reveal, Stiles decides that he’s going to move in with Derek when he turns eighteen. It only makes sense, especially given that he spends the majority of his time at Derek’s place anyway.
The ‘discussion’ with his dad doesn’t go the way he expects. Mainly because it isn’t really a discussion at all.
Stiles manages catch his dad after a shift, “Dad, can we talk?”
“Can it wait, Stiles? I’m tired.”
“Ah, it’s kind of important? Mostly I just wanted to tell you that I’m moving in with Derek on my birthday.”
“I’m really too tired for your jokes, son.”
“But I’m not joking!”
His dad just grunted and went to bed.
Stiles was… disappointed. But he’d told his dad, which is what mattered.
Of course, the day after Stiles moves in with Derek he gets injured. Not too badly but enough that he needed to go to the hospital and get stitches. While they haven’t had a Big Bad since the nogitsune, they still have the occasional creature of the week. This week’s creature managed to get Stiles with a claw. He’d been with Scott and Derek was with Kira, so Stiles ends up at the hospital alone.
But when Derek got to the hospital, they wouldn’t tell him where Stiles was because he wasn’t family and he was pissed. He eventually managed to track Stiles, despite the hospital stench, through scent, Stiles’ heartbeat, and their bond.
It was also the day Derek proposed. Because he never wanted this to happen again. Never wanted to be barred from his mate because humans didn’t consider him ‘family’. They were family. Closer than family, even.
Plus, maybe doing human marriage would ensure that they never needed to talk about money again. It’d been the closest they’d come to fighting outside of that terrible talk about Stiles’ dad.
“How will the whole mate thing go with college?” Stiles asks.
“I’ll just follow you wherever you go,” Derek replies easily.
“Just like that? What about your job?” It had been a surprise to Stiles that Derek even had a job. Just a casual one doing construction. Something to give him something to do, Derek said.
“You know I don’t actually have to work, right? Hell, you don’t have to work or go to college if you don’t want. Or you can go to whatever college you want, since I can afford it.”
“Derek. I can’t just… take your money like that. Mooch off of you for the rest of our lives. Like, I want to go to college. But I should be able to get a scholarship somewhere.”
“Stiles. We’re mates. My money is your money. I just want you to be happy. The money gives you the freedom of choice. Go where you want and do what you want, as long as it’ll make you happy.”
“I have to pay my own way! Contribute. I’m not going to be like your rentboy or whatever. And what about what you want to do? Did you go to college? Do you want a career?” Stiles was sort of flailing now and his voice was getting loud.
“Stiles. I wasn’t stable or healthy enough before Laura died to go to school. My grades are shit. I haven’t thought about the future in a long while now, so I don’t know. All I know is that I want my future to be with you. So I’m happy to be where you are. Maybe I’ll have the time and space to figure out my own shit at the same time. No one said anything about you being a rentboy. Do you think less of me because I’ve been too traumatised to work? Like I’m just a lazy trust fund baby? I know I’m privileged that I can live like this.”
Stiles stopped. Took a deep breath, because, yeah, he was getting too worked up over this. It felt wrong to just… take Derek’s money. To maybe take time after high school to heal and recover. Not worry about work or college. But Derek was right. They were mates. And they already shared pretty much everything in their lives. And would continue sharing for, hopefully, the rest of their lives.
It doesn’t go much better when Stiles tells his dad that he’s eloping with Derek. He’s dropping off lunch for his dad, since despite moving out he’s still doing stuff to take care of his dad. Cleaning around the house and taking him food. Stiles loves his dad.
“Hey, son. Thanks for lunch. What’re your plans for today?” Noah is absentminded as he talks, mind still focused on the file in front of him.
“Derek and I are getting married today,” Stiles is beaming because having a mate is great but he can’t really tell anyone about it. But he can put a ring on Derek and tell everything that this amazing man is his husband.
“Oh, sounds great. Have fun.”
Stiles isn’t sure if his dad actually heard what Stiles said. He’s pretty sure his reaction would be different to his just-turned-eighteen year old kid announcing he was marrying a werewolf four years older than him. Then again, his dad does know he’s living with Derek so maybe it isn’t a big deal? Like, Stiles doesn’t think the marriage thing is a huge deal. Not when he has a mystical bond he can always feel glowing warmly in his heart. So he shrugs and heads out to the courthouse.
People there are… more than a little surprised that the Sheriff’s only kid is getting married without the Sheriff present. In any case, the deed is quickly done and they walk out with matching gold rings.
It turns out, after all, that no one in the pack had noticed that he and Derek were together. Because when he shows up at school wearing a gold band, it causes something of an uproar.
“Dude, is that a wedding ring?” Scott asks and lunch. Everyone’s eyes are glued to Stiles’ finger as he lifts his sandwich to his mouth.
“Yeah? Derek and I got married yesterday,” Stiles mumbles through his mouthful. His mind is elsewhere, thinking about Derek. He does notice the gasps and sudden quiet around him. He glances around and sees a lot of shocked faces.
“You got married. To Derek. And didn’t invite me?” says Lydia.
“What? Are you with Derek?” Scott asks.
“That’s so cute!” is Kira’s contribution.
“How is this a surprise? I’ve practically been living with Derek for months now. I moved in officially last week on my birthday. We’re mates for fuck’s sake,” as Stiles speaks he truly understands just how… distant the pack really has been. No one’s fault, exactly, since they’ve had a lot to deal with. But… he hadn’t expected total shock. At least not from the werewolves, who should be able to smell Derek all over him.
The day Stiles realizes that Derek was right about his dad’s neglect is a terrible day for him. Stiles has been out of the hospital for a few days when his dad comes to visit.
He can sort of forgive his friends for not really realizing what was going on between him and Derek. He hadn’t really advertised and they’d all been grieving. But he’d told his dad about moving in with Derek and getting married.
His dad hadn’t listened. Hadn’t paid attention to two pretty important milestones in Stiles’ life. Hadn’t noticed that Stiles hadn’t been living at home for over a month and barely living there for even longer.
It breaks something in him. He’d clung to his dad so hard after his mom had died, not wanting to lose the one parent he still had. It’s why he nagged him so much about his diet. Why’d lied to his dad for so long to keep him out of the supernatural stuff.
He’d made so many excuses for his dad over the years.
But Stiles was done. And he’ll never forgive his dad. Tells him as much on the day he graduates. Especially after his dad says he’s proud. Stiles pretty much raised himself after his mom died. His dad doesn’t get to feel proud for something he didn’t really contribute to.
Years later, when his dad is in the hospital after being injured badly enough that it looks like he isn’t going to make it, everyone but Derek urges him to go and make peace. To forgive him and get closure. Tells him that he’ll always regret it if he doesn’t.
What they don’t get, but Derek does, is that he’s already made peace with it. Not necessarily done healing; it’s a work in progress. But he isn’t angry anymore. He hasn’t forgiven his dad. Never will. And he doesn’t need to in order to move on with his life. Doesn’t need more closure than he already has.
It isn’t easy but it’s easier with Derek at his side. Life is easier with Derek at his side. They never end up having kids – no regrets there either. People in their lives come and go but they always have each other.
They have so many small, quiet moments of joy that Stiles can’t be anything but happy and grateful for how everything turned out.