The only time Stiles feels safe these days is when he’s with Derek. So, he’s been spending as much time with Derek as he can.
He feels safest, no question about it, when he’s in Derek’s arms. He can’t tell if his favourite is when Derek spoons him. Holding him close with inhuman strength; a warm, solid presence at his back. Or when Derek lies on top of him; a warm, heavy, solid blanket. Both make him feel small in the best way.
Small. Safe. Sheltered.
It’s not like he’s all that small, either. Only an inch shorter than Derek. But Derek is so broad. So fucking solid. But it’s also an intangible quality about Derek. He has such presence. In the early days, his intensity had been frightening and off-putting. Now it’s grounding. Makes Stiles feel real and present in a way that’s been elusive since the nogitsune left.
The nogitsune was void and it hollowed him out. He has a void within him now. The place carved out to make space for a nothing that was something and that only ever feels full when Derek is around.
Because Derek just takes up so much space.
Stiles is pretty sure that Derek has empty spaces too. Spaces where bonds to dead pack members should be. Stiles doesn’t understand how there can still be so much of Derek when he has so many empty spaces.
Maybe he doesn’t.
They don’t really talk about it.
Derek just isn’t a talker and Stiles likes to let his mind empty when Derek holds him. It’s about the only peace his mind gets these days. His brain is always on. It wasn’t a problem (for him at least) when he was growing up. Then his mom died. Then werewolves. Now his brain is always on but filled with anxiety, flash backs, and other shit he doesn’t want.
He can let go in Derek’s arms though. Because he knows that Derek will protect him. Keep him safe.
And he really does.
Stiles is sure (he knows) that relying on Derek like this isn’t a good thing. Knows that his head is all fucked up and becoming dependent on Derek will only hurt him in the long run. He’s just not sure he’ll get a ’long run'.
Not in this town where everything seems to want to kill or hurt him.
And he’s just so tired. And Derek is just so easy to lean on.
Doesn’t help that Derek always welcomes him. Not once has Derek turned him away. Or even kicked him out before Stiles needs to go. Like Derek is perfectly content to just spend hours every day holding onto Stiles.
(This is the main reason why Stiles thinks Derek has empty spaces: he seems as desperate to fill them as Stiles.)
He panics, then, when he shows up at the loft one day and Derek has a bag packed. Because he isn’t ready to let go. Isn’t sure he can, not anymore. But then Derek is asking him how long it’ll take Stiles to pack a bag. Not long, since Stiles would leave now with nothing if it meant that he got to be with Derek.
Derek makes a stop at the hospital, which is weird but whatever. He comes back and tells Stiles that he’s paid off all of his medical bills. Which was, fuck, a lot of money. But then Derek has a lot of money. Before Stiles would’ve cared about this. Been prideful and told Derek he didn’t need his money. But it’s one worry out of his head, knowing his dad won’t have to struggle with the bills anymore. Especially since he’s leaving.
It doesn’t take long to pack. Just some clothes and his laptop. Stiles just doesn’t care about things anymore. Almost dying as much as he has results in a very clear set of priorities. He doesn’t even care that he’ll be leaving Roscoe behind. He loves it and it was his mom’s but it’s just a thing. A thing he doesn’t need nearly as much as he needs Derek.
He writes a note for his dad. But since he’s eighteen he doesn’t bother asking for permission. He doesn’t even care that he’s dropping out of school. Leaving like this might hurt his future but leaving is the only way he can see himself having a future at all.
He isn’t surprised that Derek seems to feel the same way.
(Not that he knows, since Derek hasn’t said anything about why he wants to go. But Stiles can guess. Figures that his reasons are pretty much the same as Stiles’.)
Stiles will never be able to describe the feeling of relief he gets when they drive out of town.
Can’t describe how much sweeter and safer he feels with Derek lying on top of him in their hotel that night. Derek is there and they aren’t in Beacon Hills.
When Derek leans down and places a gentle kiss on Stiles’ lips, he leans into it.
It’s their first kiss.
Nothing else happens that night. Just drifting off to sleep with Derek spooned behind him.
It feels like a promise. And Stiles feels the first stirring of hope that maybe he not only has a future, but that it’ll be good.
Derek is here, after all, holding him close.