Chapter One

Waking to a nightmare

Xander was never able to quite remember what happened. He remembered the demons (because there were always demons when badness happened). Remembers rushing in to save the human sacrifice du jour. Can still hear the chanting demons and almost visualize the scene before the flash of light and everything going dark.

The next thing he remembers is waking up and seeing uber-concerned Willow-face. This immediately worried him. The last time he saw that face was the day after Jesse died. Before Willow and he stopped naming the name that it hurt to say.

And then? All he remembers is the blind panic. Jumping up and running into the restroom, where he discovered his new breasts and vagina. And an utter lack of a dick. He pinched himself until he bruised, but they didn’t go away and it didn’t come back. And everything went black again.

Pronouns

“She’s waking up again,” he heard Willow whisper. And suddenly despair was replaced by red, hot rage.

“She? She!? I hope you aren’t talking about me, ‘cause I’m not a ‘she.’ I’m still a ‘he,’ damn it!”

“Xander, calm down, I know it’s a shock, but you are a girl now. It’s okay, Buffy and I will help you, at least until Giles finds a solution. We’ll get you new clothes, teach you to do make-up, and soon you’ll get used to it,” Willow’s resolve face just made him angrier.

“Willow, no. I’m not getting new clothes. I’m not wearing make-up. And I definitely will not be getting ‘used to it.’ Ever. I’m not a girl. I’m a guy and will always be a guy.”

“Willow, why don’t we wait until after we talk to Giles. Maybe there’ll be an easy fix and it’ll give her time to calm down,” Buffy interjected, hoping to diffuse the argument.

“Fuck you, both. I’ll talk to Giles on my own,” Xander stormed off.

Chapter 2

Easy fix?

“I’m terribly sorry, Xander, but there isn’t any solution to your problem. Or at least not a magical one. You are, for all intents and purposes, now biologically female,” Giles was cleaning his glasses at a furious pace.

“What am I going to do then? Because I’m not a girl,” Xander was starting to feel the despair creep in again, his anger dying with his hope.

“I never said you were a girl, Xander. Just that you are biologically female. A person’s sex and gender are two different things. You are a guy. Indeed, one of the bravest men I’ve had the pleasure to know. I’m not sure if Buffy or Willow mentioned it, but your intervention saved the life of another. At great cost to yourself, I agree, but still. Knowing that, would you do it differently?”

Xander’s shoulders slumped, shaking his head. He would do it again, in a heartbeat. He may hate the consequences, but saving someone’s life was worth the sacrifice.

The nightmare continues

Xander’s clothes didn’t fit him anymore. Well, they’d never fit all that great before, but the fit was even less fitty than before. Willow and Buffy kept trying to get him to go shopping for girl clothes. They didn’t seem to quite grasp that he wasn’t a girl and wasn’t going to wear girl clothes, ever. No bras, no pantyhose, no skirts, no dresses – just a world of no. Plus, the baggier clothes helped disguise the curves.

Instead, he went to the drugstore and got an ace bandage. Which, while hugely uncomfortable, squashed two of his main sources of misery. He couldn’t wear his favourite combo of tank top plus Hawaiian shirt anymore, but it was still miles better than some of the shit Buffy and Willow were trying to get him to wear.

Chapter 3

Mirror, mirror

He was naked and looking in a mirror. Xander had, for years, not been entirely pleased with his body. It was awkward and gangly. It was clumsy and lacked co-ordination. His ears stuck out too far from his head. He looked dorky and girls like Buffy never, ever were attracted to him. But, still, it had been his body.

Now he hated his body with a passion he never thought possible. It was a stranger’s body. It was soft and lumpy. He wanted to take a knife and cut off his breasts. He felt defeated and helpless. Not even cutting them off would get him is body back. Still…

He picked up the scissors and began chopping off his long, curly hair. Stupid fucking hair. But it made him feel powerful and in control again. Some things he couldn’t change, yet, but some he could. He refused to give up and give in.

My long beautiful hair

“Oh my god! Xandra, what happened to your beautiful hair?” Buffy wailed when she saw Xander.

But he kept walking. She hustled to catch up and caught his arm.

“Xandra, wait up. Didn’t you hear me call? What happened to your hair? It was so pretty.”

“First, my name is Xander. I’m pretty sure you know that. Second, my hair was awful. What guy wants ‘pretty’ hair, Buffy? Or, at least, what guy not about to pose on a dime-store romance novel cover wants pretty hair?”

“Willow and I thought that Xandra was close enough to your old name but more gender appropriate. Don’t tell me you are still wigging about the change. It really isn’t that bad being a girl.”

“You and Willow just decided to give me a new name? Wow, you two really don’t respect me, do you? I thought it was the whole, ’no super powers, we don’t want you getting hurt’ thing, but that wasn’t it, was it? You both just truly have no respect for me. My name is Xander. Call me that if you want me to respond. I agree, it probably isn’t bad being a girl, if you happen to be a girl. Since I’m not a girl, having a female body really is that bad. Perhaps worse.”

Chapter 4

Elocution

“Fa, so, la, ti, do.” Still not quite right.

“Fa, so, la, ti, do.” Better, but he sounded like a fucking kid. Xander missed his voice. He missed a lot of things, but he really missed his voice. He didn’t talk much these days because he couldn’t stand the sound of his voice. Constantly lowering his voice was exhausting.

More than anything, this was getting him unwanted attention. Those who knew him, knew he talked. A lot. Babbled, really. And said stupid things. Now? Not so much.

Crazily, one of the few people he got along with now was Angel. Angel never expected him to say anything (was probably very happy that Xander had turned into the silent type). Not that he was spending time with Angel, because Xander still didn’t like him.

He and Oz also got on quite well, since with Oz silence was golden. Even better was the fact that neither man had commented on Xander’s new body. Both were aware – having super-powered noses and the even more marvelous ability to listen when Giles talked – and neither appeared to care. Although, it was kinda hard to tell with Oz and Angel.

That time of the month…

Xander felt like something had laid eggs in his belly and they were hatching. And that these little demon babies were starting to claw their way out. It freaking hurt. This was worse than any injury he had from slaying. Hands down. Why? Because it wouldn’t fucking go away.

There was also a horror filled moment, in the washroom, when he thought that maybe something really was clawing its way out of him – there was blood.

Until he realized that it was his time of the month. And, strangely? This realization was far, far worse than having demon babies clawing their way out. He suddenly wished it were just that simple.

Instead of a relatively quick and quite painful death, this would be happening every month for the rest of his life. In theory, at least, because there was no fucking way that he was ever, ever, going through this again. Men were not meant to menstruate. End of story.

Neglect

Xander had never been happier that his parents weren’t the most observant people. They drank. A lot. But this meant that neither of them noticed anything different about Xander. It probably helped that he was wearing most of his usual clothes.

He’d also never been happier to live in Sunnydale, where a guy could suddenly become female and no one would pay that much attention. It meant he could still go to school. It meant that everyone, everyone, still treated him like a guy, inasmuch as they had before.

He also liked the fact that doctors in Sunnydale just weren’t that concerned about following proper protocols. He’d done some research, and getting testosterone was usually harder than walking in, asking for it, and having the doctor write a prescription without looking once in your direction.

In another way, he was lucky. Unlike other guys trapped in female bodies, he didn’t have to change his name. Or come out. Although, Xander really wasn’t sure who’d date him. He hadn’t been all that lucky in the past, and he suddenly realized things were gonna be even harder now: what girl wanted to date a guy without a dick?

Chapter 5

Defining moments

Xander pinpointed the exact moment he made the decision to leave Sunnydale. He knew that he’d stay long enough for graduation, not because he cared about getting his diploma, but because he wanted to help deal with the mayor. It was a few weeks after the ‘change.’ He had adjusted, somewhat, and was feeling good about his new regiment of ace bandages, not talking a lot, taking testosterone. Feeling more like himself than he had in weeks.

Now, he figured, was a good time to talk to Buffy and Willow again. He knew that Giles had been lecturing them about the difference between gender and sex, or so Giles told him. Xander understood that this whole situation was completely fucked up and that Buffy and Willow loved him but were young. So, reconciliation time, right?

Wrong. Buffy still didn’t understand why he didn’t want to be a girl. See the problem? It isn’t a matter of ‘wanting,’ he simply isn’t a girl. Still, he could see that she was trying. Was actually calling him ‘Xander’ and mostly using the right pronouns.

Willow was worse. After the fluke, he was quite aware that she was attracted to him. This apparently hadn’t changed. In fact, his change seemed to be like throwing gasoline on a fire. She was entirely more attracted to his new body than his old. How could he tell? Easy, since the change he’d been constantly afraid that someone would notice. Notice that his jaw wasn’t quite so square. That his hands were dainty. Willow noticed. And Xander noticed her noticing.

Knives

Xander was holding a knife in his hand. Looking at the dancing reflection it cast on the wall. Thinking thoughts about what he could do with the knife. Could see it in his head, gathering a fistful of one of his breasts and just sawing away until it was gone. It filled him with a great deal of glee.

Buffy wouldn’t let him patrol anymore. She’d tried to keep him out of it earlier this year, but failed. Now, she was succeeding. Her argument was that Xander was barely able to stay out of harm when he was a guy and certainly would be more at risk as a girl. He wanted to die.

She’d always been his hero. Still was, in some ways. He knew that she’d never love him, not as a man, even when he had a dick. He wasn’t strong like Angel or smart like Giles. He was her Xander-shaped friend, except now he wasn’t even Xander-shaped. Or, apparently, her friend.

Chapter 6

Phobias

Xander was fully determined to show Buffy that he could still patrol. That his ability to slay remained unchanged. He may not have been the strongest member of the group, but even he was capable of dusting a fledge.

He was sitting at a grave, waiting for tonight’s vampire to rise. Xander was pretty sure that this fledge was actually the nice lady who lived a few blocks away from him. While he was thinking of her delicious cookies, the ground started to move and a hand popped out of the ground. He got up and took his stake out.

She pulled herself out and lunged for him. Before Xander could get his stake in place, however, she dropped him.

“Ugh, gross, you tranny-freak. I always thought you were a nice boy, Alexander. How I did I not notice you were a freak? Disgusting,” she snarled and stomped away.

Xander stared in shock. A fledge had just refused to eat him, because of his body. He just lay there, hoping that another vamp would come along and just make it all go away.

Faith

Xander had gone to talk to Faith. To try and help her, to let her know that people did care about her. The talk? Didn’t go so well. She first accused him of trying to get into her pants again, then said she needed a real man. Xander wasn’t sure if she was referring to either the change or a poor performance the last time. Either way, it burned.

Now he was dangling from her grip, getting the life chocked out of him. This part, he actually didn’t mind so much. At least not for himself, he didn’t want Faith to have an intentional death on her hands, since the accident with Allen Finch made it different. But if she killed him, looking into his eyes and meaning to do it, everything really would change.

Then, of course, Angel had to save him. Because that didn’t make him feel at all emasculated. Like he was a damsel in distress. A small part of his rational brain knew that he would have needed help fending off a slayer, even with his old body. The rest of his brain? Deeply resented Angel. For saving his life, for making him feel weak, for making him feel like less of a man.

Chapter 7

Eavesdropping

Buffy walked into the library, a smile on her face, she couldn’t wait to see what was on everyone’s mind. As everyone is taking in the news about her ‘aspect,’ Xander asks incredulously if she can read everyone’s minds. She smiles in return and replies that she can read all of their thoughts.

As the meeting goes on, she thinks about what she’s learning about her friends.

She’s floored that Willow is as insecure as she is, she knew Willow wasn’t the most confident person in a room but never considered that she was so worried about being useful.

One of the biggest shocks is Cordelia. Cordelia, apparently, is the most honest person in the room. She says exactly what is on her mind. Buffy generally considered Cordelia irritating and mean, if well dressed. She feels the stirrings of respect for her, because that kind of honesty should be respected.

Oz is also a little bit of a surprise, since he really does have a lot going on underneath the surface (even if his thoughts confuse her). She finally gets why Willow is so into him, ‘cause he is totally deep.

Giles and Wesley, she could have done without hearing their thoughts. Particularly Wesley’s majorly disturbo thoughts about Cordelia.

Its Xandra’s thoughts that stop her in her tracks. She noticed that she hadn’t been speaking much, lately, but figured she was still angry about the whole ‘she/Xandra’ thing. Becoming a girl wasn’t quite as cool as reading minds, but she totally needed to get over it. Then Buffy heard her thoughts:

“What am I going to do? I think about my sex all the time. I miss my dick. I wonder if I prick these stupid boobs if they’ll deflate like a balloon. What am I even doing at this meeting? They don’t notice me anymore. But that is because I stopped existing; to them there is Xandra and no more Xander. Maybe that is the way out of this situation, just simply die. I could take a knife from the weapons cage and just started cutting. Take off these boobs and die a man. Or maybe I could hang myself. That’s a manly way of suicide. I wonder if I could get a gun… Why is she looking at me? I don’t want to be here.”

Xander got up and hurried out of the room. Buffy was in shock. First, Xander’s voice inside his head sounded exactly like it used to, before the change. He really was the same person, inside. But more than that? She couldn’t believe the awful reality of his thoughts. Guilt, horror, sorrow, and a myriad of other emotions roiled in her.

Chapter 8

Understanding

“Xander, I’m really sorry. I didn’t understand why you were being so harsh to me and Willow after your accident. I get it now. Inside, you are the same Xander you’ve always been. My Xander-shaped friend. I’m sorry it took me so long, and a dose of telepathy, to get here. You deserved better,” Buffy was making industrial strength sad-eyes at him. He opened his mouth to speak…

“Wait, don’t say anything just yet. I don’t expect you to forgive me right away. All I want is a chance to prove to you that I can be your friend. A chance to earn your trust again.”

Xander nodded, he could give her a chance.

“Also, I really think you should be talking to someone. Me, if you feel comfortable, but someone. I heard how often you think about death. About hurting yourself. I know you hate your body right now, which I get, but you shouldn’t be thinking about hurting yourself. Please?”

Now it was full on puppy eyes. Xander nodded slowly, sure he could talk to someone. Except, there wasn’t anyone to talk to. No one who truly understood.

Patrol

Inside Xander was doing the Scooby dance. Buffy was letting him patrol again. A little different than before, since he was given a crossbow and firmly told not join any fights, if he could avoid it. However, Giles was giving him lessons on how to use the crossbow and he was getting practice to improve his accuracy. Xander knew that this was Buffy’s apology to him. Her way of showing him that she was sorry and that she fully recognized his manly hunting prowess.

Willow was following her lead now, too, since she didn’t want to be the only person in the group calling him ‘Xandra’ or treating him like a girl. Xander still kept his distance because of the unease he felt from her attraction to him. He so badly wanted to talk to her because, regardless of everything, she was still his bestest bud and he knew she’d understand, if he’d just explain. He just couldn’t get the words out.

Xander took aim and let a bolt fly, and showing that his practice was making a difference, it got the vamp in the heart on the first try. The other two rushed them but were engaged by Buffy. Xander waited nearby with Willow, holding crosses and ready to intervene if Buffy had any trouble. He smiled.

Chapter 9

Bus to change

Xander was sitting on a bus heading to LA. The mayor was toast and he was supposed to be on his road trip. Instead, he was on a bus. He had done a little research and found out that the money he had saved up for the trip was just enough to pay for chest reconstruction surgery. LA was a good place to go, as it was the land of plastic surgery. Xander really, really wanted a hysterectomy or oophorectomy but that was definitely outside of his budget and would have to wait. Still, he was thrilled that he had enough money to get rid of the breasts.

Xander wasn’t sure what the future held. He was desperately wished that he hadn’t been such a slacker in school. Reassignment surgery was freaking expensive and Xander had very little earning power. Bad grades in school meant no chance at college. No college meant limited opportunities. It would take forever to save the money he needed flipping burgers. It depressed him enough that it almost made him want to give up. And he would’ve, if it weren’t for that beautiful moment every morning, just as he was waking up, when he was able to pretend he had his real body. He lived for that moment or that moment kept him alive. Either way, he couldn’t give up. He could get his body back. And he would.