Part 1

The Meeting

It was Ryan’s first day on the site, working to fix the structural problems left behind by the previous, and seriously incompetent, architect. He was still very junior employee at the firm he had joined after graduating at Berkeley. It was a San Francisco company, which allowed him to stay close to the Cohens.

Today he was meeting with the foreman of the construction crew, to get up to speed on what had been done so far and what could be done to fix the mess they were in. He knew from his construction days that a good foreman would have enough experience to have some good, solid suggestions. Suggestions that were practical, unlike the feelings of some of the higher ups at the firm who wanted to knock everything down and start over.

He paused when he saw the foreman. It was a man taller than him by a few inches and certainly broader in the shoulders. What made him pause was the fact that the guy was wearing an eye patch and limped. The limp wasn’t pronounced but it was definitely there. You didn’t tend to see a lot of guys in the construction business with quite so many physical handicaps. Ryan was willing to bet that the guy could do his job, though, since the foreman was more of a supervisor than an actual labourer. The guy wouldn’t be climbing any rafters or doing any serious lifting. The pause only lasted a brief moment, but it was long enough that the foreman sensed his perusal and turned towards him.

“Hey, you must the be new architect. I’m so glad that you are here and I hope that you are more open to suggestion than the last guy, who just wouldn’t listen to any sort of reason. Now, I know that I’ve been told that I’ve got my own special Xander-logic, but that guy was totally not of the good. Who doesn’t know that ceilings without proper support fall? Seriously?” Ryan quirked a brow in response to the stream of words, none of which included a proper introduction. It was also his standard response to another babbling brunette, “Ugh, I’m mean, my name is Xander and I’ll be your foreman today.”

“I’m Ryan, the new architect,” Xander beamed at him and stuck out his hand to be shook. Ryan’s breathe quickened, ‘cause that man’s smile was devastating, as Ryan shook his hand he couldn’t resist adding, “and I’m definitely open to suggestions.”

Xander promptly blushed and, if possible, smiled even wider. Ryan was utterly charmed, “Um, yeah, that is good to hear, ‘cause I’m definitely full of suggestions guy.” Ryan gave Xander a quick, half grin in response – something that had the curious effect of the making the guy blush even more.

“Good, lets get to work, then.” And so they did.

A short while later…

In the middle of Ryan’s explanation of how he wanted to incorporate Xander’s ideas into the solution he was quickly working out, Xander’s stomach let out a loud rumble. Ryan’s brow quirked again, yet this time it was combined with a small, knowing smile. Their meeting had starting going into lunch and it was obvious that Xander was ready to eat.

“Thai?” Ryan asked.

“Ugh, what? I don’t know anything about no thigh. Then again, I may be delirious with hunger. Has anyone ever told you that, while you seem to be a man of few words, you seem to communicate a whole lot with your body?” Xander babbled somewhat incoherently.

Ryan’s smile only got a little wider, “and what is my body saying?” Ryan took a small step closer to Xander, “I’m also,” he paused for a beat, “hungry.”

Xander, at this point, was starting to feel a little panicked, ‘cause if he wasn’t mistaken, the really, really hot architect was hitting on him. Except that couldn’t be true, since he hadn’t gotten any hellmouth vibes off the guy. And, although, he hadn’t lived on a hellmouth in years, his luck with women had yet to improve. His luck with men, although less demonic and evil, wasn’t any better. The average gay guy took one look at his clothes, the eye patch, and the gimpy leg and promptly walked in the other direction.

“I could eat, in fact, I think I have to eat because I think I’m starting to imagine things. Oh! You meant, ‘That,’ as in the food, not the body part. That makes way more sense. Maybe I’m not as delirious as originally advertised.”

“Don’t know about that, but I could definitely nibble on a thigh, right about now.”

“Okay, I may be super clueless guy, but I’m getting the feeling that you are having fun with me. I’ll have you know that I’m in charge of the humour in this relationship, ‘cause you? Not so funny. Also, not so nice teasing the cripple. I ’ll have you know that, while I may be lame, I’m totally not slow.”

“Who’s teasing? I was just inviting you to satisfy,” another pause, “your appetite.”

“Has anyone told you that the way you pause in the middle of your sentences in truly frightening? I mean, seriously, you totally say more when you are not talking than when you are. Are you evil?” Xander abruptly asked.

This was received with a raised brow. One that said, “Did you really just ask me that?” It was quickly followed with a big smile, “I can be whatever you want me to be.”

“Okay… definitely not teasing, ‘cause that was about the gayest thing you could have possibly said. And I don’t mean that in the ‘you’re lame’ way but in the ‘you are a true, blue friend of Dorothy’ way.” Xander relaxed, because any guy who used a line that queeny was totally not going to turn around and kick his ass when he accepted the offer he thought he was imagining. Also, most creatures of the evil persuasion he had met never missed an opportunity to advertise and gloat about how their evilness, “in that case, I’d love to have lunch with you.”

And since that was punctuated by Xander’s stomach loudly growling again, Ryan could only laugh.

Lunch

“So, tell me, Mr. Fancy-Pants architect, what’s your story?”

“Grew up in Chino, stole a car, got taken in by a rich family in Newport, finished high school, went to Berkeley, became an architect.”

“Wow, that was like a lifetime in less than fifty words. Yet, somehow, I feel like you are totally being iceburg guy.”

An eyebrow raised.

“You know, like how you only see ten percent of an iceburg? I think that accurately describes that little story you just told, but also this whole ‘I’m silent and mysterious’ routine you got going on. I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can see, even with only one eye, that you got a lot going on beneath the surface.”

A snort.

“You know, this is beginning to feel more like how I imagine having lunch with Angel would be. And can I just say, ’eww!’ to that thought? ‘Cause Angel, while undeniably hot, is definitely on the icky side of hot. Oh! Should I not mention other guys? Is that weird? I don’t think you have to worry since I’m getting the wiggins just thinking about it. And, anyway, you are like way, way hotter than Angel could ever be, even if you seem like you’d be a brooder.”

A small smile.

“That’s it! I’m gonna make you talk even if it means you are just screaming my name,” with that, Xander finally shut up and roughly pulled Ryan close for a kiss. A kiss that went on and on. Until their server literally dumped a cup of water on their heads and told them never to return to the restaurant.

Later that afternoon…

Two men, very different from one another, lay panting on a bed. The room around this bed looked as if a tornado had struck. Clothes were strewn about in haphazard fashion, the furniture was sitting at odd angles, and, most importantly, the two men had the appearance of having been through some traumatic event.

In their panting afterglow things were quiet and still. Both had been expecting a fun, but inconsequential, interlude. This was something more. More than what, exactly, they didn’t know, but it was more. It was more enough, though, that they were both feeling a little threatened.

“Ugh, I hate to say this, but we should probably finish up our work so my crew can get started tomorrow and start earning a paycheck again, ‘cause Steve totally has a family to feed and Dave gets super grumpy without a steady source of beer money…” Xander trailed off as he noticed Ryan’s eyebrow go up, “and I know it might seem weird for me to be responsible guy, or not since I am the foreman, but I need this job too. Plus, I’m sure you have better things to do than stare at my ugly mug all afternoon.”

As Ryan stared into Xander’s scarred face, he thought about all the other scars that covered Xander’s body. For a moment, Ryan had the sensation that he was staring into a negative reflection of himself. Xander, in many ways, was his complete opposite. Yet, his visible scars appeared like Ryan felt on the inside: scarred, damaged, and ugly. Xander looked like the ruin of man that Ryan felt like.

Xander wasn’t wrong, without the eye patch and without clothes, Xander wasn’t a very pretty picture. Ryan, regardless of Xander’s lighthearted babbling, sensed a deeper kinship with the man. He felt that Xander, unlike another babbling brunette he knew so well, could understand him.

“Okay, I’m going to take your silent regard as agreement and get dressed,” Xander said as he got up and began rooting around the room for his clothes. As Xander limped around the room, from both his foot and from a little soreness from the afternoon’s activities, he contemplated the man still laying on the bed. Ryan was small, compact, but well muscled. Something that Xander liked, but particularly because this blonde was still alive (and not evil or even previously evil). Xander wouldn’t necessarily say he was good, ‘cause, for all that Ryan had these big, blue (and beautiful) innocent looking eyes, Xander could tell that Ryan had a little darkness in him (he was the ‘one who sees,’ after all). Xander chuckled bitterly as he finished dressing.

The next day

“Hey, architect guy, how’s things? Ready to get started? I know I’m definitely ready to be doing some manly construction work. My crew is also more than ready to begin. Waddya say? Give us the green light.”

Ryan only grunted and nodded. He had talked on the phone with Seth this morning and the hurt of not having him there was fresh in his mind. Not that it was ever really all that distant. Seth had been a constant presence in Ryan’s life all through high school and Ryan missed him every single day.

Ryan also longed for a different relationship with Seth, one that had never been possible. One that he quickly pushed out of his mind, as he had been doing for years. It was just harder now that Ryan no longer distracted himself with women and the problems they always wanted him to solve.

Instead, he was often alone and the thoughts of Seth would crowd him. Sandy had once told him that helping people with their problems was part of who he was. Except, after he had given everything and no problems remained, who was he?

Xander only nodded at Ryan’s response. He was used to being dismissed and, while it used to bother him, it was like an old, comforting blanket. His eye and foot were a testament to Buffy’s wisdom: he should have stayed fray-adjacent.

In his stupid youth, he never took the time to consider the real consequences of fighting vampires and demons with no training or skills. To consider that his unwillingness to grow up meant his friends would leave him behind. To consider becoming too ugly to love when he left Anya at the altar. To consider that years of fighting, without rest, would leave him too damaged for normal, healthy relationships.

Now all he had was time. Hour after hour, day after day thinking about the knowledge that it had been him and his choices that ended his world. So Xander, nodded once again for effect, and got to work.

Neither talked for the rest of the day.

Part 2

Enticement

It had only been once. One time Ryan reached out to Xander then pulled sharply away. Ryan never took his hookups with men seriously, since he couldn’t bring guys home to the Cohens. Or, rather, he wouldn’t take a guy home to meet the Cohens. Ryan always enjoyed hooking up with men for one reason: no strings attached. Xander hadn’t pushed or even tried for another date. They had been comfortably working together for a month. Long enough for Ryan to realize that Xander’s babble only appeared when he was nervous. They didn’t talk much beyond the essentials of communicating work related information and instructions.

Today, however, marked a change from pattern. Xander came into work with a black eye and some other bruises. Bruises that only came from fighting. It thrilled Ryan to see, because he remembered the freedom and pain of cage fighting. Of getting hurt and relishing the sharp pain from a fist in his face. Or of the simply joy of hitting and hurting another person. Ryan had been abstractly aware that Xander’s various scars came from a rough life but hadn’t really thought about it. He also hadn’t considered that Xander would still be fighting, without an eye and a bad foot.

“Should you be working?” Ryan asked, with only minimal concern.

“Ugh, yeah, don’t worry about it. Only a little bruising. Nothing to worry about, not that you’d worry or anything. You know how some bars get, some guy catches you looking around the room, accuses you of cruising his girl, and fun-time brawling for the whole family ensues,” Xander shrugged as he finished his explanation.

Ryan could tell he was lying. The babble was a dead giveaway. Ryan didn’t care about the lie, but only wanted in with the action. It had been so long. So long of only hitting a punching bag, of tightly leashing his temper, and always, always pretending he’d changed. That he was good and better. Sure his smiles came easier these days, but the longer he lived without Seth, the harder it was to stay in the light.

“I used to box a little. Think you might want to go a few rounds with me?” Raised eyebrow, but with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

Xander paused in his preparations to begin work. He could tell Ryan knew he was lying. It also seemed that Ryan didn’t care, but only wanted to fight too. Of course, Ryan had no way of knowing that Xander had found one of the rare vampires in San Francisco. San Francisco was relatively demon and vamp free for a big city. Mostly ‘cause there were these three mega-witches who kept a lid on things and, now supplemented by a slayer, most things stayed away. It was one of the reasons Xander had moved here. He considered Ryan. He considered those blue eyes calmly pleading with him to say yes. He also considered the anger and sundry emotions lurking beyond the surface. It was these emotions that sent a shiver down Xander’s spine.

“Yes. In a few days, after these bruises are gone.”

Ryan smiled, and nodded.

Xander’s heart did a little flip at the rare sight of one of Ryan’s smiles actually reaching his eyes.

In the ring

It gave Xander a thrill to see Ryan decked up and ready for a fight. So far, he had only really seen Ryan in work clothes, and naked that one time, but Ryan looked good. Sure he had a great body, when naked, but he looked powerful and strong in this moment. Xander had almost no experience fighting in a ring: most of his fighting had been done on the streets. He wasn’t worried, though, ‘cause, compared to vamps, Ryan just wasn’t scary. Exciting and hot? Yes. Scary? No.

They touched gloves and the round began. While this was supposed to be a simple sparring match, Xander wanted it to be more. There was something reckless and dangerous in Ryan’s eyes. Xander knew that he’d probably get his ass kicked, but that wouldn’t be anything new for him. He was actually looking forward to it.

It had been a few moments of them circling each other when Ryan suddenly went on the offensive. His first jab was exploratory, testing Xander’s reflexes and speed. Xander easily dodged and gave Ryan a quick punch to the stomach. It made Ryan smile and they began to ‘spar’ in earnest. In reality, they were fighting. Really fighting.

Soon all semblance of training and finesse had been thrown out the window. Xander didn’t know how to fight properly but he knew how to fight dirty. He knew that he had surprised Ryan, because for all that he was missing an eye and had a lame foot, he was holding his own.

Xander was actually egging Ryan on, wanting him to lose his composure, to free the rage and other emotions that still hadn’t quite made it to the surface. Smiling widely he landed a heavy blow to Ryan’s head (hoping to disorient him enough to forget that this fight wasn’t for real) and followed it by tripping Ryan. He quickly jumped on Ryan to land a few more blows to the head.

This, apparently, was exactly the right thing to do. Xander could tell the moment that Ryan stopped remembering who his opponent was and where they were. Ryan’s eyes lost focus for a moment and suddenly he was attacking with all his rage fueling his blows. The fight degenerated into Ryan kicking the shit out of Xander.

Moments later, when Xander’s face was a gory mess and Ryan was panting heavily but still hitting hard, the fight suddenly stopped when Xander started laughing. The discordant laugher jarred Ryan out of his rage and snapped him back into the present. His fist raised, and seated on Xander’s chest, he looked down at the mess he’d made of Xander’s faced. He was confused at the gleeful smile on Xander’s face. What the hell had just happened?

Xander continued laughing, but was slowly winding down. He looked at Ryan with one dark eye, quickly swelling shut.

“Fuck me,” he rasped out and Ryan was instantly hard.

After

They had barely made it to Xander’s nearby apartment before falling onto each other. The sex had been quick, brutal, and bloody, since neither had paused to clean up. As they lay panting on Xander’s floor, Ryan felt hollowed out. The fight had allowed him to finally release some of his anger and the sex that followed has satisfied some darker urges that Ryan almost never acknowledged.

He started to feel slight stirrings of guilt and remorse. He shouldn’t have forgot himself and hurt Xander so bad. The guy was crippled and Ryan had beat him up, hadn’t even cared that he was beating him up. It was just that Ryan had flashed to Trey when Xander had been on his chest hitting him. And thinking about Trey always brought Marissa to mind, never a good thing for his mood.

Ryan got up slowly and went to get a washcloth. He, but Xander especially, needed to get cleaned up. Xander might even need a trip to the hospital, as he was currently laying with his eye mostly swelled shut and still bleeding from his head.

“Hey, guy, where you going?” Xander asked.

“Get a washcloth. Clean you up a bit. Your face really needs some bandages. Should probably take you to the hospital,” Xander could hear the regret in Ryan’s voice.

“Sure, clean me up a little. Don’t need to go to the hospital. You didn’t hurt me that bad and I’ve definitely had worse without needing a hospital trip. I’m an old hand at getting my ass kicked,” Xander smiled as he talked and Ryan’s guilt started to get heavy. As Ryan went to leave the room, he felt a hand on his ankle, “Ryan,” Xander’s voice was serious and his gaze steady (or what could be seen of it), “don’t feel guilty. I wanted this. Exactly this. I needed it just as much as you needed the release. I haven’t felt this good and this alive in years.”

Ryan gave Xander an awkward smile and got the washcloth. He cleaned Xander up gently and bandaged his wounds. Afterwards he took a shower and found Xander had gotten up and into bed. Xander looked over at him and patted the space next to him. Ryan climbed in and felt himself tightly cuddled to Xander’s chest. Neither man spoke as Ryan began to silently weep.

Phone call

Ryan was dimly aware that the phone was ringing, before Xander picked it up.

“Hey, Dawn. How’s my favourite girl doing? Still slaying the books at Oxford? Still fending of the boys with a stick? And, hey, let me know if they ever need more than just a stick for discouragement. I can look really mean now. Heck, I can be really mean now.”

Ryan glanced at the time; it was around midnight or something. Explains why someone would call, if they were in England.

“No, no, but I can’t talk for too long. Why? Because someone is here, as in, I’m not alone.”

Ryan could hear Dawn’s squeal from here.

“What? No! Of course they aren’t evil. How do I know? Don’t I always? Hey, stop laughing, of course I know. It is just that some chicks are too hot too worry about good and evil. Plus, this guy, not a chick.”

Ryan was momentarily puzzled at the question of his being evil and somewhat dismayed at being called a chick. Then, he was bemused as this squeal topped the last. He swore he distantly heard a dog bark.

“No, of course, I’m not saying that just because he’s a guy he isn’t evil. I’m more saying that his guyness and being with me makes it likely that he isn’t evil. Plus, this is the second time and he hasn’t tried to sacrifice me or anything. In my books, thats good enough. Also, I asked if he was evil. He didn’t say ‘yes,’ and I’m inclined to believe him. He has really sincere eyes.”

Ryan had thought it strange when Xander had asked him that, but was now realizing that it was standard with Xander and his friends. He wasn’t sure what that said about either Xander or his friends.

“No, don’t tell Willow. You know how she is. I don’t want three, probably beautiful, witchy ladies coming over here to check up on me. You know how they can’t resist the Xan-man and I don’t want to be responsible for a sibling fight.”

Ryan’s confusion grew, but he shrugged. He didn’t really want to know or get involved.

“Okay, okay. Fine. No you can’t. He’s probably just a trick. You get back to terrorizing age-appropriate boys. Actually, no, get back to being the perfect, and virginal, girl I used to babysit. Yeah? Not if I have anything to do with it,” Xander laughed warmly, “I love you, bye.”

Ryan heard Xander shut his phone and shift towards him again.

“Sorry about that. She usually calls Sunday night ‘round this time and it would have been of the bad if I hadn’t answered,” Xander’s voice was a little rough and he was speaking low, sending shivers and a spike of arousal through Ryan.

“Its fine. But, since we’re awake…” Ryan moved suddenly and covered Xander’s body with his own, “I can think of a way for you to make it up to me.”

Xander smiled brightly and lifted his head to kiss Ryan.

Monday morning

Ryan had experienced different kinds of morning afters, but this one was unique. He was sore in all the right places, and some wrong places too. He had bruises all over and his knuckles were swollen and red.

But as he stood in Xander’s kitchen, both of them only in their underwear, he felt more peaceful and relaxed than he had in years. The tension that came from never getting to express his love for Seth had eased. The love, without a doubt, was still there. He could feel it, burning in his heart still. It was easier now, though, and didn’t feel like such a burden.

He thought about Xander’s vaguely disgusting visage, since he still hadn’t put his eye patch back on, and felt a brief stirring of some unnamable emotion. It wasn’t like anything he had ever felt before. Whatever it was, he was grateful for the peace Xander had given him. He was even more grateful that Xander didn’t seem to have any problems he wanted Ryan to solve.

“I’m going to take a shower, then I should probably get going. Don’t want to be late for work,” Ryan smiled briefly before heading towards Xander’s shower.

Xander watched him go. He saw the ease in Ryan’s movements and smiled. This all finally made sense to Xander. He hadn’t been sure why someone as hot as Ryan would be sleeping with him, but this he could understand. Yesterday had been an incredible experience and Xander was sure he had given something to Ryan no one else had. What, exactly, that was, he couldn’t say and didn’t want to think too much about. Not thinking was easy for Xander.

Thinking meant remembering his friends who, quite reasonably, had pushed him out of slaying but wouldn’t completely let him go. It also meant remembering the people he had loved and who had died. It was remembering that he used to matter, but now made little difference. He looked down with one eye at his misshapen foot and didn’t think about anything. Except the sharp pain of Ryan’s fist and the exact shade of blue of his eyes as pushed into Xander.

Part 3

Routine

Ryan’s fights with Xander had become a regular thing. About once a month they would enter the ring, fight, and then have explosive (but satisfying) sex. They had been in the ring enough times for Ryan to know that Xander had let him win that first round. That Xander had purposefully pushed Ryan into losing control. Ryan still usually won, mainly because he had full use of his entire body. Xander did win, though, because even though he was half blind and had a limp, his reflexes were sharp and his punches heavy. Xander also had no reservations about fighting dirty. It surprised Ryan but he didn’t care if he won or lost, since the outcome was the same. The winner would dress the loser’s wounds, and then fuck him. Ryan smiled ruefully, to the victor went the spoils.

He knew that Sandy and Kirsten were worried about him, though, since they had obviously seen the bruising. Ryan had told them that he had joined a boxing gym and that it was just sparring. Unfortunately, they had known him long enough to know when he was lying (something he wasn’t very good at anyway). They didn’t push him too much, because they had both noticed that he was lighter and happier. In a way that he hadn’t been since Seth had moved to Providence.

All this was turning over his mind as he sat alone in his apartment. He wasn’t doing anything in particular, just sitting and brooding, as Seth would say. It was getting late and he’d head off to bed soon.

There was a knock at the door. Ryan was suddenly worried that something bad had happened. Maybe Sophie had hurt herself. His heart was pounding as he opened the door.

It was Xander. He was bruised and bloody.

“Hey. I know I probably shouldn’t have come here, but I’ve gotten used to you dressing my wounds. I also think I might have a concussion, since I normally wouldn’t have thought to bother you. I’m just gonna go now,” Xander turned to leave. Ryan reached out and placed a hand on his arm.

“Stay. I don’t mind,” Ryan was surprised to find that he really didn’t mind, “I didn’t think you’d still be fighting outside of our matches.” Ryan was strangely jealous. He’d thought fighting was their thing.

“Oh, don’t worry about this. This is just a hobby. What we do is…” Xander trailed off, since how exactly did you label their particular relationship? “Different. Special. You make me feel alive, feel happy to be alive, this is a backwards attempt at dying. Don’t know why it never seems to work, though. It should’ve happened years ago. Other, better people have died. And here is the Zeppo, still alive after all this time.”

Ryan was surprised. While Xander could talk a lot, he almost never talked about his feelings. For all that he babbled, he communicated less of his feelings than Ryan did. Ryan thought that Xander might really have a concussion: otherwise he probably wouldn’t have shared so much. Or come over. They didn’t see each other outside of their monthly fight, since Ryan had finished his part of the job and been sent back to the office.

“Ugh, you should ignore me. I didn’t just say what I think I did, did I? I’m not rational right now, not making any sense at all. Please ignore the babbling idiot you see before you,” Xander shut his eye tightly, as if this would make Ryan not see him. A blush crept up his face.

“I’ll leave it for now, but you are going to tell me what you’re doing that you think will get you killed,” Xander looked up into Ryan’s eyes. He could tell Ryan was serious.

“Fine. I’ll tell you, but only if you don’t try to stop me. I’m not looking to be saved here. And if you are so inclined, there is a long line of girls who want to save me ahead of you.”

Ryan nodded in agreement.

Delay

They didn’t have that conversation that night. Instead, after Xander had been cleaned up and bandaged, they’d done what guys normally do. They didn’t talk about their feelings and had sex instead.

It was different, though, than their usual encounter. Normally, they were rough – almost as rough as their fights. The sex had started slowly. They had been lying down beside each other with Xander babbling only semi-coherently. Ryan had simply turned towards Xander and place a gentle kiss on the man’s shoulder. It had been light, a just-barely-there touch of the lips. Xander had quieted immediately.

From that point things had progressed, incrementally. Slow caress by tender kiss, until Xander had come with tears slowly, and quietly, running down his cheeks.

And, as they cuddled in the beginnings of morning light, Ryan understood. He understood that Xander really didn’t want to be saved. All he wanted was a few moments where everything wasn’t dark and he wasn’t alone. At least, it was what Ryan wanted. Except that Ryan seemed to have more sources of light than Xander. There were the Cohens, Sophie, and Seth. Ryan may occasionally feel trapped by all the longing he felt for Seth, but when he was with the Cohens, especially Sophie, it gave him enough to silently endure the moments between.

It was always the moments between, when Ryan was alone, that what gave his life meaning hurt. Ryan knew that it was all make believe. He wasn’t straight and his family was a dysfunctional mess (and most of them had been in jail at one point or another).

The moments between were always so empty. They were also filled with doubts: maybe the next time he went to visit the Cohens, they wouldn’t be there; maybe they’d realize taking him in had been a mistake; maybe they’d see his lies and know him for what he was. Unworthy.

The phone rang in the stillness, ‘causing Xander to mumble something incoherent, but not fully waking him up.

Ryan picked up the phone with trepidation, because only one person called him at this time in the morning. The one person who was almost always the first person he saw in the mornings, when he was in high school.

“Hey,” Ryan answered.

“Hey,” Seth said.

Discovery

“So, um, Summer and I are thinking of moving back to California. Now, I was initially against it until I realized that it’d be Berkeley and not Newport. Berkeley I think I can handle. Summer is finally settling down from her super awesome traveling road show of activism, and we’ve been talking about finally getting married.”

Ryan closed his eyes. While he had always known that there wasn’t a chance for anything more between Seth and him, as long as Seth was not married he was free. Free to be with Ryan. Of course, Seth had loved Summer for so long and they’d been together for over five years. Ryan knew they’d get married eventually.

“And if we get married,” Seth continued, not really waiting for Ryan to respond, “we’d probably start thinking about kids and neither of us want to be far from the family, you know? Plus, I’ve got to remind Sophie who her favourite uncle is.”

Ryan snorted. Sophie loved him. He had been around her entire life, while Seth was a more distant and mysterious figure. Except that Seth was Seth and probably would become Sophie’s favourite uncle.

“Dude, I’m totally her favourite uncle. I may not be around as much, but I give the most awesome toys. And toys matter. Seriously, they do. Toys are like, essential, for children.”

Ryan chuckled.

“Ha! Dude, you totally agree with me. Plus, moving to Berkeley would mean that we could hang again. Like we used to.”

Ryan’s breathe caught. He wasn’t sure where Seth would fit into his current life. It was so much easier to love Seth when he wasn’t around. It hurt less. He didn’t have to continuously stop his fingers from touching the curls on his head. He didn’t have to stop his hands from touching Seth’s face.

“Yeah, I know you are in San Fran, but that is basically the same thing as Berkeley. So we’d still get to see each other all the time. Or maybe Summer would want to live in San Fran, too. What’s your neighbourhood like?” Seth actually paused for a response.

“Fine.” Ryan really didn’t want Seth in his neighbourhood. Didn’t want Seth showing up in the mornings everyday to bring him coffee and have breakfast. Except, that he wanted it so bad his jaw was clenched.

“Wow, what a ringing endorsement. Sounds awesome. I’m totally going to move there.”

Ryan had the sudden urge to hang up the phone. He wanted to hit something. Xander shifted on the other side of the bed. Ryan looked over at him and felt completely overwhelmed. Seth would notice the bruises and black eyes. He also wouldn’t buy Ryan’s story, like the Cohens had. And if he did, he’d want to see, to check out Ryan’s boxing club.

“Dude, you still there? What do you think of the plan?”

“Its great. San Francisco is a good city. I think Summer would like it. You too.” Ryan trailed off as he saw Xander’s head rise. He suddenly felt like he was watching this scene from a different room, like he was somewhere else living his real life.

“Ryan?” Xander queried, his voice rough and curious.

“Ryan? Is someone there? Isn’t it really early? Is that a guy? Have you found a substitute-Seth?” Seth’s questions resounded in Ryan’s head. Echoing distantly as Ryan tried to figure out an answer. Xander groaned and opened his eye.

Explanations

Ryan still wasn’t entirely sure how he had got Seth off the phone. He may have had a little white out at the end of the conversation. He could remember Seth’s questions in one ear and Xander’s waking up noises in the other. Xander, like most things he did, did not wake up quietly. It was also fairly clear, to Seth, that Xander had been waking up. Questions like, “What time is it?” or “Am I late for work?” tend to clue a person in.

Here he was, though, looking at Xander across the table. They were eating breakfast and the silence, for once, was oppressive to Ryan.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt your phone call this morning. I’m sorry that I wasn’t quiet. I don’t think I knew that you were in the closet. I’m also sorry for coming over last night, I shouldn’t have. On the other hand, thank you for taking care of me last night. It was kind. Too kind for me, ‘specially since I just made things harder for you,” Xander had a contrite look in his eye. He didn’t know that Ryan had a weakness for brown-eyed babbling brunettes whose mouths got him into trouble.

“Its fine. I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen,” Ryan had a resigned tone. If life had taught him one thing, it was that good things never lasted, particularly for Atwoods. In some ways, it was a relief: he wouldn’t have to pretend anymore. “You owe me an explanation, though, for last night.”

This time Xander only sighed, “I did promise you that, didn’t I? I’m a bit of a good Samaritan. Sometimes, I go out at night looking for people in trouble, muggings or whatever. I usually don’t find anything happening because I sort of walk around aimlessly, but last night I interrupted a mugging. There was the standard confrontation.”

Ryan raised an eyebrow, since Xander’s story was a little incredible. Who the hell walked around at night looking for that kind of trouble?

“I know it is stupid and will probably get me killed. Sort of the point, isn’t it? Everything I valued in life is gone. I’ve got nothing left to live for. Plus, I’ve been doing this for over ten years and I’m still alive. A little worse for wear, sure, but alive. Seems to me it’s the muggers and whatever who should worry.”

Ryan just shook his head, incredulous. And the people in Ryan’s life thought he had a compulsion to help. A compulsion that had, in the past, hurt him as much as he’d helped (like Marissa, his mind whispered, but he quickly pushed that thought away). Xander was worse than him. His body also bore the evidence that he was probably not lying.

“Is that what happened to your foot and eye?” Ryan was curious, since Xander never spoke of it.

“Yes, to the eye, it got taken out in a fight. Guy put is thumb right into it and gouged it out. The foot actually happened in Africa. There was this thing with a land mine and children. Don’t ask me about that. Ever.” The look on Xander’s face told Ryan all he needed to know. He had never really seen a look so bleak and anguished. So devoid of hope.

“Look,” Xander continued, “this is the only thing that makes my life worthwhile. I’m not a smart guy, I’m not very good at anything except manual labour, and, really, does America really need another stupid condo development? This, at least, used to make my life worthwhile, since I used to do it all the time. I also used to do it to help people. Now? I just try to pass the time until it’s over. I like the quiet. And I’m tired.”

Ryan just nodded. He understood. Not entirely, but enough. He’d been there. It was why he had done the cage fighting. Although, he hadn’t been looking to die, he’d only been trying not to care.

“So… who called this morning?” Xander asked suddenly, “who did I mess things up with? Couldn’t have been just a co-worker, ‘cause you were upset after the call.”

“It was Seth. Seth is… complicated. He’s the son of the family that took me in. He was, is, my best friend,” Ryan sighed. How did one explain Seth?

“And you love him. Have loved him for quite some time.” Ryan looked up, eyebrow raised, “only one thing makes a man sigh like that.

Ryan only nodded. He couldn’t deny it.

“What about me reminds you of him?” Xander asked. Ryan was surprised, because Xander really was more astute than Ryan gave him credit for.

“The brown hair and eye. The babbling.”

“Explains how you can overlook the eye and my general homeliness,” Xander smiled ruefully.

“Actually, you are almost beautiful when you smile.”

Xander’s eye snapped to his, wide with surprise. A slow smile started on Xander’s face, until Xander really was beautiful. At least to Ryan, in that one moment.

Playing hooky

Both Xander and Ryan made the decision to call in sick to work that day. Neither had felt up to facing a day at work. Instead, they had spent the day in their underwear watching TV and occasionally fooling around. They had also played some video games, something Ryan almost never did alone. Video games usually meant time with Seth.

It had been strange to spend so much time with Xander. They really hadn’t spent anytime together when they weren’t either working, fighting, or fucking. Turns out that Ryan found Xander’s company quite enjoyable, relaxing even. He didn’t babble as much as Seth, but he also wasn’t quiet like Ryan. Xander also didn’t spend ages talking about himself, or his relationship with Summer (although, Ryan didn’t really think Xander had any kind of relationship with Summer). Xander didn’t really talk about anything. He was pretty simple and undemanding company.

There had only been one out of place moment in the afternoon, when one of Xander’s friends had called him. It had been a strange phone call, since she, Willow, had known that Xander hadn’t spent the night at home. What was truly interesting was that Xander’s shoulders had hunched over as soon as he answered the phone, with a really defensive tone to his voice.

He had spent a half hour on the phone alternating between placating Willow and reassuring her. After he had hung up the phone Xander had been edgy and agitated. It hadn’t been until Ryan had goaded Xander into play wrestling (with the requisite sex afterwards) that Xander had finally been able to relax again.

They were still lying naked in bed, eating take out, when Ryan finally asked the question that had been bugging him for hours, “how did Willow know that you didn’t go home last night?”

“Um, ugh, not really sure. She just knows these things sometimes,” Xander winced slightly as he explained, because even he could tell that it was a really weak explanation, “my friends worry about me. She probably called my landline at some ungodly hour, since she is in Brazil and when I didn’t answer, she assumed.”

“Good assumption,” Ryan’s voice was laced with the sarcasm he had learned so well from Seth.

“Hey, Willow, is like genius smart. Plus, she’s a girl. Don’t ask me how she thinks.”

Xander’s story still wasn’t making a whole lot of sense. Ryan shrugged, though, since it didn’t really matter. He’d just been curious.

Both he and Xander looked up when they suddenly heard someone at the door.

“Dude, you totally left your front door unlocked. A person could totally just walk in. I present myself as exhibit A. So, I’m sure you’re surprised I’m here, but you were acting really weird…” Seth’s voice trailed off as he entered Ryan’s room, “on the phone.”

Seth stopped talking as he took in the scene before him. Ryan naked. Some other guy, also naked. The room smelled like sex. The other guy had scars all over, one eye, and had clearly been in a fight recently. Both Ryan and the other guy were staring at him. And apparently too shocked to cover up.

“Um, dude, I’m just going to leave now. I’m going to go see the parents and visit Sophie. Call me later.” Seth turned quickly and they soon heard the apartment door shut.

Ryan and Xander looked at each other. The moment stretched taut but neither moved.

Part 4

Comfort

Seth left behind a bit of a mess. Ryan had reverted to type and begun to silently brood, unsure of what the future had in store. While he knew the Cohens wouldn’t care, he hadn’t wanted Seth to know because he didn’t want things to change. He didn’t want Seth to start wondering about him, to start wondering about their past together. Sure, he loved Seth, but he also knew that Seth loved Summer. He’d known this from the first day that they’d met and it hadn’t changed as Ryan’s feelings had slowly changed for Seth.

“Okay, that’s it. I had pegged you for a brooder, but if there is one thing I know, it is how to stop someone from brooding. Normally, if you were Angel I’d just annoy you until you stopped, but seeing as how I actually like you, I’ll do this instead.”

This turned out to be jumping Ryan’s bones. Because it was them, Ryan struggled. Particularly, since it was doing exactly this that had caused his problems. Ryan really despised people who took their anger out on others. He’d been beat up enough by his mom’s boyfriends to know that being abusive was both weak and pathetic. It was different with Xander, though. For one, Xander wasn’t a kid and was capable of defending himself. Two, Xander was goading him with sharp insults that were scarily accurate at hitting Ryan’s insecurities.

It wasn’t long until Ryan was really hitting Xander. It wasn’t, though, like Xander was just sitting there and taking it. This was a definitely brawl and Ryan was getting as much as he gave. There was no finesse to this fight: it was fuelled by Ryan’s despair and fear. The fight didn’t last long, though. Mainly because partway through, Ryan began crying and his punches became weak. It ended when Xander pulled Ryan into his lap and simply held him.

As Ryan began to quiet down, Xander started to pepper him with light kisses. Rubbing his back and being gentle. So very gentle. In many ways, this hurt Ryan even more because Xander had never been gentle before. This time, however, Xander picked Ryan up and put him back in bed. Since they were still naked, it was an easy matter for Xander’s gentle touches to turn sexual.

Still the gentleness remained. The sex was slow and dreamy. It was almost too much for Ryan, who felt drained from all the emotion. Who also felt a distant sense of elation that he’d no longer have to hide. That maybe, finally, he could just be him and not have to worry anymore.

The jolt of his orgasm brought him sharply back into reality. And as the last bit of pleasure ebbed away, he began to fall asleep. He felt Xander place one last, gentle kiss on his forehead.

A conversation with Seth

The next morning, Ryan felt both hollow and light. By this point, he’d normally have brooded himself into misery but, with Xander’s help, he hadn’t bottled everything inside. He was still worried but everything didn’t seem so heavy in the morning light.

He then realized that Xander had left. Not surprising considering that it was a workday and construction guys always started earlier than architects. Ryan noticed a note on the pillow beside his:

Ryan,

I’m sorry about what happened last night, with Seth. Hope everything works out. You know how to find me if you need anything.

Xander

Ryan smiled at the note, so unlike how Xander spoke. It was succinct, almost terse in its language. Ryan didn’t know what would happen with Seth, but knowing that Xander was there for him helped. It helped a great deal. Ryan also didn’t think that another sick day from the office was out of the question. He really needed to talk to Seth, alone, before talking with the Cohens.

Ryan cleaned himself up and realized that Xander and he had broken a lot of stuff in their fight last night. His place was an absolute mess. He was impressed that no one had called the cops last night. He called Seth as he drove to the Cohens, to let him know that he was on his way and that they’d be talking. Seth had been uncharacteristically quiet and distant on the phone. It didn’t surprise Ryan all that much.

Only Seth was home when he got to the Cohens.

“Hey, dude, you want some coffee and a bagel?” Seth asked as soon as the door opened. Ryan only nodded in response. He’d, like always, let Seth control the conversation. Seth’s questions would start soon enough.

“Hmm, so, uh, you’re gay now?” Was Seth’s delicate question as he schmeared Ryan’s bagel.

“No, not really. I have sex with men, once in a while. Never been in a relationship with one.”

“Oh, so that guy last night was just sex? What was with the scars and the visible bruising? Is he, like, someone you knew in Chino or something? ‘Cause, dude, he definitely looked rough.”

“Xander, is not quite just for sex. Its hard to explain. No, he isn’t from Chino. Actually, he isn’t any kind of criminal. Good guy, really.”

“Uh, huh. I may not be around as often, but I still know you. I can practically see the huge volumes of things that you aren’t saying. Fine, don’t tell me anything about this guy. How about you explain how, between last night and this morning, you managed to get a black eye?” Seth was getting a little angry. It was like Ryan had turned into this stranger. Ryan was supposed to be Kid Chino. He wasn’t actually supposed to have a secret life that Seth didn’t know about.

“You wouldn’t understand. Xander gave me the black eye, but he definitely is worse off this morning,” Ryan grimaced a little, because he knew exactly how that sounded.

“Dude, wait, are you saying that because I suddenly pulled you out of the closet, you beat up your boyfriend? Seriously. What is going on with you?”

“I didn’t beat him up and he isn’t my boyfriend. He started the fight. It is sort of what we do. You know how I told you a joined a boxing club? Xander is my sparring partner.”

“Ryan, dude, seriously? That sounds completely fucked up. But enough of that. We are missing the real issue here. Why didn’t you tell me? How could you hide something so huge from me? I thought we were friends.”

“We are friends. I didn’t tell you because it doesn’t matter. Yes, sometimes I fuck guys. They’re easier than girls. You know what my relationships with women have been like. Guys are simple and, generally, drama free. I get laid and I go home. What is there to tell?”

“You could have told me you were gay!”

“I’m not gay. Gay is a lifestyle. I’m not part of the community. Gay is about more than just fucking guys.”

“Dude, that is, like, totally semantics. You sound like a lawyer. And you still haven’t answered my question. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it doesn’t matter! What difference does it make if I have sex with a guy now and then? I don’t tell you every time I have a one night stand with a woman, why would I tell you when its with a man? Plus, you never asked and I never told.”

“This isn’t the military. I remember when you used to tell me everything.”

“Um, no. I never told you everything. You told me everything. You spend so much time talking about yourself that you don’t really know that much about my life. Especially now that we don’t live in the same house. Can you tell me, exactly, what I do for work?”

Seth opened his mouth to reply and then shut it. Because, no, he didn’t actually know what Ryan did. He knew Ryan was an architect, but he knew that wasn’t an answer. There were different kinds of architects who did different things. Who designed and built different kinds of buildings. He was remembering conversation after conversation of him rambling at Ryan. Ryan listening and smiling. He remembers that Ryan, at the beginning, did try and participate. But he just kept talking about himself and never really, truly listening.

“I don’t know you at all, do I?” Seth’s voice was quiet.

“Yes, you do. I’m what you wanted me to be.”

Seth’s eyes widened. He felt like Ryan had just punched him. Seth may be self-centred but he really did care about Ryan. He’d always thought that all the ways Ryan had changed in high school had been because he’d blossomed into the person he would have been with real filial care and attention. He’d always thought that he, and his parents, had healed Ryan. Had allowed Ryan to finally be himself, the person he would have been if his parents had cared, if he hadn’t been poor.

Suddenly, the changes took on an entirely different meaning.

Mending

“Seth, its okay. It isn’t a bad thing. I am who I want to be, too. Who you, Marissa, the Cohens all imagined me to be was a person better and capable of more than I could ever have imagined. It was beyond anything I knew. Yes, I wanted to be that person for all you. But, even more, I wanted to be that person for me. Above all, Seth look at me,” Seth looked up because Ryan’s voice was so serious and sincere, “I am happy. My life is so rich and full. I have family. I have a great job. What more could I want? I already have so much, so much more than I would, if not for you.”

Seth looked at Ryan. There were tears in his eyes. Seth could see that Ryan meant every single word. Seth also knew that Ryan wouldn’t have thought twice about sacrificing a part of himself, to be the person Seth wanted, needed, whatever. He wondered if Ryan had only given up the gay thing.

But, it wasn’t only the gay thing, was it? It was also Ryan dating girls in high school to conform to some expectation that Seth had. Ryan could have been spared the whole Marissa thing, if he and his parents hadn’t just assumed. Then again, Chino probably wasn’t the most forgiving place for gays. Ryan had probably never considered it as a real option. Never thought that loving, and not just fucking, men would be okay.

Seth wondered when Ryan would have bowed to pressure and gotten married. When he would have had kids, to make Kirsten a happy grandmother. Seth was sure that Ryan would have been happy enough. Except that ‘happy enough,’ wasn’t good enough. Ryan deserved to be completely and utterly happy. He was still Seth’s first, and in many ways only, friend.

It broke a place deep inside of Seth, to think of Ryan simply accepting whatever scraps of happiness life tossed his way. Never pushing for more because he didn’t think he deserved it.

“Dude. Dude, its okay to be gay. Seriously,” Seth finally said. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Is that what you want?” Ryan’s confusion was plain on his face. Seth’s heart broke a little more seeing that confusion.

“This is about what you want Ryan. Be gay, if that’s what you want. I know I talk about myself a lot and that I make everything about me. But I never wanted you to be anything but who you are. I definitely never wanted you to think that I wouldn’t love you, no matter what you do. My parents would feel the same. They’ll love you no matter what. You’re my best friend and you’ve always had my back. I got yours too, you know.”

“I…” Ryan paused, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I want,” Ryan’s voice was small and Seth didn’t know how to make this better.

“Ugh, umm. Just be you. Follow your heart,” Seth inwardly cringed at being reduced to clichés.

Ryan continued to look confused and lost. He was staring out the window, with this look of desolation. Seth reached out and touched his shoulder.

Ryan startled and quickly turned away, “I have to go. I need to think. Go ahead and tell your parents whatever you want. Tell them I’ll talk to them soon.” Ryan was practically out of the door by the time he spoke the last word. Seth had helplessly followed him, but didn’t try to stop him.

Becoming

Ryan wasn’t sure where he was. He had gotten into the car after leaving the Cohens and he’d driven for a while until he couldn’t stand being cooped up any longer. He was now wandering around some park that he didn’t recognize. He was thinking (or ‘brooding’ as Seth would say).

He didn’t know what Seth wanted from him. He’d spent all this time thinking that Seth wanted him to be straight, to be normal. To fit whatever macho, hero-type image Seth had of him. He also wanted to be that guy. He didn’t want to be the kid who gets his ass kicked by his mom’s boyfriends. He didn’t want to be the kid who needed his brother to protect him. He’d spent his life feeling weak and helpless, when suddenly there was this guy who saw him as his protector, his hero. There were all these people who thought he was tough, that he was strong. He liked being that guy.

Now, Ryan wasn’t stupid. He knew very well that being gay didn’t mean that you were weak or less manly. But it wasn’t really about that. Seth had needed him to date Marissa so he could date Summer. Seth expected, and Ryan had never, ever wanted to let him down. To see disappointment in his eyes. Kirsten also wanted him to settle down, get married, give her grandchildren (although he didn’t know why, since she had a five-year old of her own at home).

More than anything, Ryan was afraid of change. Change meant his mother getting a new boyfriend. Maybe one that, like had happened a few times, didn’t just hit him. One that always tried to get him alone, one that always made him happy that his brother had never minded him hanging with him and his friends. Change also meant his mother abandoning him. Change was his father going to jail. It was Marissa dying or an earthquake breaking up his relationship with Taylor. Nothing good ever came from change. (Not true, a part of his mind whispered, since one change had brought Seth and the Cohens into his life.)

Seth was probably right that Sandy and Kirsten wouldn’t care about him fucking guys. They’d had plenty of opportunities to express any homophobic sentiments, but they never did. He also knew that they were open minded. That they loved him. And would probably love him no matter what.

But was he actually gay? What did that even mean? Yes, he was attracted to guys and sometimes had sex with them. Ryan knew, regardless of what Seth said, that gay was about more than just whom you had sex with. Except, except, he loved Seth. And not in a brotherly way. He knew this. Had known it for years. The ‘guys are just for fucking’ argument could be true for some people, but not him. Not even Ryan could deny that, maybe, it was because he loved a man that he might be gay. Yes, gay had its culture, but, at the end of it all, it was about love.

Ryan was suddenly restless and angry. Why did this have to happen now? Why force him to finally deal with his feelings for Seth? He thought about Xander and almost took the easy route of blaming him. Except that it wasn’t Xander’s fault. Ryan had a good memory and knew very well who had hit on whom. He had started this, thing, that Xander and he were doing.

For that matter, what were he and Xander doing? He liked spending time with Xander because he didn’t expect anything from Ryan. Because he didn’t need or want Ryan to be anything but him. It was relaxing. Ryan paused. This actually might be his life from now on, now that everyone knew (or would know soon enough because Seth couldn’t keep anything to himself). Seth was right, to a certain point, what he and Xander did was a little fucked up. Except, Seth didn’t understand.

Ryan didn’t fight with Xander because he wanted to beat him up (or get beat up). It was about the release. More to the point, it was about what happened after. It was the comfort he found in Xander’s arms, after the fights, that kept him coming back. It was about the fact that, for all that Xander was definitely not Seth, he made it all hurt just a little less. It wasn’t love, exactly, but something else. Something that Ryan needed. Plus, the sex really was hot.

Shaking his head, to clear away the thoughts circling his head, Ryan started to get his bearings and headed back to his car. It was much later than he thought. He also thought Xander may be off work. They probably needed to talk, or something.

Out of the pan

As Ryan pulled up to Xander’s apartment complex he noticed that, yes, Xander’s car was there but he wasn’t inside. Instead, he was standing on the lawn talking with three women. Actually, it was looking a little more like an argument. As he got out of his car he was able to hear their voices, which weren’t quite loud enough to be shouting but weren’t very quiet, either.

“I can’t believe that Willow called you! I was at someone’s house last night. There wasn’t any reason to worry. I’m not patrolling or anything, seriously,” Xander’s voice was exasperated.

“Look, Willow is a good friend and she was worried about you. We’re only here because she asked us, as a favour, to check up on you. Don’t get angry at us.” It seemed that one of the women was also getting frustrated.

“Yeah, it isn’t like we had nothing better to do and suddenly decided, ‘Lets go harass some one-eyed guy, it’ll be fun!’” Yikes, one had resorted to sarcasm.

“Fine, fine. You aren’t the ones to blame. I get that. I really do blame Willow. This is just so frustrating. I fought vampires and demons for over ten years before Willow and Buffy decided that I wasn’t allowed to anymore. If Willow hadn’t threatened to mojo me, I probably wouldn’t have listened. So here, I am, in San Fran where you guys, with a slayer, take care of everything. She should be freaking happy and not keeping tabs on me!” Xander was practically shouting by the end of his speech. Although, Ryan only noted it absentmindedly. Since, what the hell was Xander talking about? Vampires? Demons? And none of the three women were looking at him like he was crazy.

“Where did you get those bruises? It looks like you have been fighting. Seems like Willow may have been right to worry. Especially since those bruises are fresh. Like maybe you got them last night, fresh.” This was the third women who spoke.

“Yeah, I was fighting. Not vampires, though. It really isn’t any of your business. It also isn’t Willow’s business. How I spend my time in exile is my business and no one else’s.” Xander was being almost petulant at this point.

“Look, buddy, it became our business when Willow called us. Just tell us what it is going on so we can call Willow and, hopefully, never have to bother you again.” It was back to the first women Ryan had heard speaking.

“No. I’m not telling you people anything. All you need to tell Willow is that this is the end. No more. Tell her that I’m changing my number and that, for all that she is an uber-witch, she’ll never find or be able to contact me again.” Xander’s voice was quiet now.

Ryan finally decided that he should make his presence known. He walked up to Xander and put his hand in the small of his back. Just to let him know that he was there. Xander smiled briefly at Ryan before turning back to the women.

“Keep dreaming, guy. First, you can give Willow your own messages and, second, no way you can hide from her. Who the hell are you, by the way?” It was still the first woman talking.

“That also, isn’t any of your business. What I’d like to know is who the hell you people think you are? I’m not covered in your jurisdiction and you have no reason to be interfering in my life. Don’t think I don’t know how to contact the Elders. Also, do you really think that I spent years surviving in Africa and learned nothing? They have old magic there and I made some friends. Even learned a thing or two.

“I wanted to believe that Willow would at least leave me in peace, if I did what she wanted. I may resent being forced into this exile, but I’m not stupid. I know I’m not really fit for fighting anymore. I don’t really know you guys and maybe you aren’t as pushy as you’ve been today. Just give Willow my message. Go back to your lives and I’ll go back to mine. And we’ll never have to see each other again. Deal?” Xander’s voice was resigned now.

“Fine, whatever. We did as asked. Have a nice life,” and the three women walked away.

As they left, Xander only sighed and turned towards Ryan. Ryan pulled Xander into a tight hug. He didn’t know what had just happened, but this much he could do.

Part 5

Introductions

Ryan soon pulled away from the hug and tugged Xander towards his apartment. It seemed like they had more than just Ryan’s issues to discuss. There was more than one part of the conversation he’d heard that required some sort of explanation. He also wanted to tell Xander about his conversation with Seth. Ryan was still confused about what to do. He needed someone to talk to.

“Xander, I think it is time we finally had a real conversation. As much as I enjoy what we normally do, I think we have some things to clear up. First, vampires and demons?” Ryan asked with a raised brow. Xander grimaced slightly in response.

“I guess you overheard that part of the conversation, huh? Well, you know the muggers I told you about the other day? Not really big with the mugging, more with the biting and killing. Occasionally turning too. Yup, they were vampires and I totally lied to the super-awesome ‘Charmed Ones.’ I have been patrolling. Only once in a while, when things get to be too much. There really isn’t much to do in San Fran, on the supernatural front. Those ladies you didn’t actually meet take care of most things and the city’s slayer usually deals with the rest.” Xander shrugged when he was done speaking.

Ryan was impressed that while Xander had said a lot, it wasn’t like his usual babble. This was actually fairly clear explanation. What Ryan wasn’t sure about was the whole “vampires are real” business. Vampires, really?

“Yes, really. There are vampires. Demons and other stuff too,” Xander smiled at Ryan, who seemed to be shocked that he spoke the last bit out loud, “I guess I really did shock you, since you almost never say more than you have to.

“I’m not sure that I can believe this,” Ryan’s voice was laced with doubt.

“Well, stick around for a little while and I’ll at least be able to prove that magic exists. Now, just a warning though, I’m not really good with the mojo. I learned some stuff in Africa that pretty much anyone can do, if they know what to do. What those witches don’t know,” Ryan raised a brow.

“Yes, those three ladies were witches. Very famous and powerful ones, too. I know some pretty important people in the supernatural world. Pretty well connected, I guess. Anyway, what they and Willow don’t know, what they can’t know, is the type of magic I’m about to use. They learn all their magic from books, this stuff is older than books.

“Not every culture invented writing, or once writing was introduced, wrote everything down. Lots of African tribes have long oral histories. Also have a lot of oral teachings passed down throughout the generations. Now, normally they don’t teach outsiders anything about this stuff, since it usually gets shrugged away as superstition. But, if you’re in the know, you’ll know that some of it isn’t just superstition. Some of it is real.

“I’m about to perform a ritual I learned from a grateful parent in Africa. Don’t ask me about the exact details. That’s another story I’m not going to share. I learned this because I thought it might be useful someday. You never know when you might have to hide from your enemies. Guess I never considered that I’d have to hide from my ‘friends.’” Xander’s voice was not only sarcastic, but it was also bitter. Ryan also thought he heard the smallest trace of sorrow.

“Now I don’t want you to wig or anything, so I’m gonna warn you: the ritual involves some singing, some dancing, and some bleeding. Don’t interfere or do anything while I’m doing the ritual. I just want to make one thing clear: magic has a price. If you learn nothing else today, learn that. Powerful people like Willow are able to defer payment, but they still pay in the end. This ritual has a price and I’m going to be paying it today. This is old magic and it can have Old Testament style consequences. Okay?” Xander paused and waited for Ryan to nod.

Xander stripped down to his underwear, something that surprised Ryan. He then took out a small object from a chest. Placing the object, it looked like some kind of idol to Ryan, on the dresser. Xander consulted a compass and turned the idol to face some exact direction. Xander then pulled a bone knife out of the same chest. He cleared away all the furniture to the sides of the room. In the centre, facing the idol, he began chanting. Ryan then heard the distant sounds of drumming. Drumming that didn’t seem to come from anywhere specific. As Xander began to move, chanting at intervals, the drumming increased in both pace and volume.

As the dancing and chanting became frenzied, Ryan began to feel tense. There was something oppressive in the room. Ryan, for the first time believed that Xander was telling the truth. It was indescribably but he knew, just knew in his bones and on his flesh, that Xander had drawn the attention of something other. Something vast and old. Ryan shivered.

All at once, when everything felt like it was becoming too much and Ryan began to feel like he was losing himself. Xander stopped dancing and stopped chanting. The drums stopped. Everything was absolutely still and quiet, not even street noises could be heard. In this moment of quiet, Xander gave a sudden cry and plucked out his eye with the knife. The knife that Ryan had forgotten was in his hand.

The presence in the room suddenly felt warm and light, no longer oppressive. Ryan became inexplicably hard. He could see that Xander was too. Ryan had the sudden need to be naked and quickly took his clothes off as Xander slid his underwear off. The presence hadn’t left and continued to feel warmer and warmer. Ryan began to feel little tingles of sexual pleasure course through his body. It was pleasure on a magnitude he never thought possible.

Xander handed him the knife. Ryan, feeling like he had lost all control, brought the knife to his left pink and cut it off. The knife slid through flesh and bone as if it were nothing but air. Ryan felt no pain. Quite the opposite, the feelings of pleasure only increased. Xander’s face was bleeding profusely and Ryan was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the sensations in his body.

The pleasure increased steadily. Ryan distantly thought he heard drums again. He grabbed Xander’s hand and squeezed. Xander squeezed back. Ryan gasped as he suddenly began to have an orgasm. He heard Xander gasp at the same time. Ryan felt like his head exploded with the intensity and, suddenly, everything went black.

WTF?

Ryan woke up feeling buoyant and refreshed. Like he had just had the best sex followed by the best sleep. As he opened his eyes he realized he was lying on Xander’s living room floor. The strangeness of it all brought the memories rushing back. He sat up quickly and looked at his hand.

Yes, the pinky from his left hand was missing. But, instead of a gaping wound, it was fully healed. Actually, Ryan realized that even the aches and bruises from his recent fight with Xander were gone. His body felt absolutely great. He also felt energetic. What the hell had happened?

He remembered watching Xander do magic. Something he hadn’t really believed until he felt that presence. That undeniable presence. Normally he’d shrug something like that away, but he was definitely missing a finger. A finger he himself had cut off. He didn’t even know why he’d cut it off. It just had felt like the thing to do at the time.

“I can see. Huh, I wasn’t supposed to be able to see after that ritual. The price for not being seen by the supernatural was the loss of my natural sight. Wait, I still don’t have eyes but I can see. What the hell just happened? Ryan?” Xander was looking at him. Except that he didn’t have eyes. The one eye he’d had but plucked out was still gone. Fully healed like Ryan’s finger, but gone. Yet, Xander was ’looking’ directly at Ryan.

“You expect me to know what happened? Why did I cut off my finger?” Ryan was strangely not feeling angry. He still felt really, really good.

“I don’t know! The only person to really ask is the guy who taught me the ritual. But he’s in Africa and wouldn’t be easy to find. Also can’t ask any other witches, since they won’t be able to see me any more. Might be able to hear me, but that would probably cause problems. It might be that because you were watching the ritual, the god I invoked thought you were a participant. Hmm. Thinking about what happened, I’m guessing that my ability to see without eyes is probably connected to you. Walk out of the apartment for a second,” Xander looked expectantly at Ryan.

Ryan got up and everything still felt unreal. He stepped outside of the apartment and counted to ten. When he was finished he walked back in.

“Yup, I was right. I can only see when I’m with you. Well, that isn’t entirely accurate. I can only fully see when I’m with you. When you are gone all I can see are shadows. Like the opposite of regular seeing. I can’t really describe it, but I was still able to see, after a fashion. I guess the only explanation we’ll probably ever have is that the god smiled on me. Gave me a boon. Probably gave you one too, ‘cause taking your finger away and letting me see properly in your presence doesn’t really give you much. Helps me a lot, but gives you nothing. These things always balance out, one way or another.”

Ryan shrugged. It was only a finger. Xander had no eyes! Ryan felt a little detached from everything right now. It felt like he should be upset, shocked, angry, something. Except he was still basking in the afterglow of ritual. It looked like Xander was too, since he was talking fairly clearly and not babbling. The goofy smile on his face was also a pretty good sign.

“You know what? Don’t worry about it right now. I feel great. I haven’t felt this great since,” Ryan paused. When had he ever felt this good before? Maybe the day he met Seth, “I’m not sure that I’ve actually felt this good before. I’ll probably freak out, but later. For now, how about you come over here?” Ryan smile widely as he finished speaking.

Xander looked over at him and matched his grin, “I’m all for saving the thinking for later.”

Dinner

It was a few days later when the Cohens called Ryan over for dinner. They also asked him to bring his ‘friend.’ Looked like Seth had told them everything, which was fine since Ryan said he could. Ryan smiled at their euphamism, ‘friend,’ which didn’t really describe his relationship with Xander. Ryan wasn’t exactly sure what did describe his relationship with Xander. They weren’t dating and they weren’t in a relationship. Ryan wasn’t particularly concerned with giving it a label. It was good enough for him that Xander eased his hurts.

Xander had quit his job, since having a sightless foreman was a little hard to work around. He’d also gotten himself a cane and wore dark glasses all of the time. While Xander still had some sort of sight when Ryan wasn’t around, it was insufficient for everyday navigation. He could see the shadow that a lamppost cast, but not the post itself. The way Xander described it, it was the blackness one would expect from not being able to see, but shadows were a sort of grey to him. The darker the shadow, the lighter the shade. Which meant that Xander ‘saw’ best at night or in the dark and not so great on a sunny day at noon. The strangest part was that Xander could only see some people, after a fashion. So far, he couldn’t figure out why it was only some people and not others. Xander was still unable to explain why he was seeing at all.

For Ryan’s part, he now knew what boon the god had given him. It was related to his hands, which made sense considering he’d cut off a finger. Ryan had always been good at his job, but now his designs were always perfect on the first attempt. It was like his hands were no longer restricted by skill, what he imagined in his head is exactly what was drawn on the paper. It was already drawing attention at his firm, since he was producing his work faster than ever. Also, it was being noted by the engineers that his designs no longer needed corrections. It seemed like such a small thing, this new ability, but it meant a lot to Ryan.

Ryan still didn’t know what to think about everything that had happened. He’d probably know more after seeing the Cohens. He still couldn’t believe that he lived in a world where vampires, demons, and witches existed. Some part of him felt obligated to do something about it. For now, he was deferring to Xander. Xander had warned him that getting involved would be dangerous for him. More importantly, it could be dangerous for his family. So far, that was what was keeping Ryan out of it: he would never do anything to endanger the Cohens. Xander also mentioned that there were plenty of mundane, human evils to worry about. Ones that Ryan also had no control over and didn’t really worry about. Ryan supposed it was true, finding about vampires shouldn’t be any different than, say, hearing about the problems in Darfur. And there wasn’t much he could do about either.

Ryan shook his head clear as he pulled up to Xander’s apartment building. Xander was waiting on the road and promptly climbed in.

“So, um, I’m meeting the parents? What, exactly, does this mean? Are you my boyfriend now? Do you want me to have your babies?” Xander was smiling and it made something flutter in Ryan’s tummy.

“Seth probably told them about you and they wanted to meet you. I don’t know what we are. And, no, I don’t want you to have my babies. Maybe I want to have yours.”

“Oh, ho! Looks like someone is trying to be funny. Seriously, though, have you figured out what you’re going to tell them about the finger you no longer have?”

“Well, I think I’m going to call it a work accident. They know I visit sites. Look, I even put a bandage on it so they’ll think it is still healing.” Ryan held his finger aloft.

“Yes, I can see that. Hey, by the way, congrats on your boon! I think it is a super cool thing to gain, it also makes me feel less guilty for accidently making you participate in the ritual. Once again, I’d like to apologize,” Xander had a very guilty look on his face.

“Well, agreeing to this dinner is a good way to make it up to me. This isn’t going to be a lot of fun. Probably awkward.”

“You think the Cohens will be not so good with the whole ’lover of men’ thing?”

“No, it isn’t that. I’m pretty sure that they won’t care. More awkward in the sense that I didn’t tell them and now they are meeting some guy that I’m sleeping with.”

“Ryan, dear, we don’t really ever do that much sleeping.” Xander had a sly smile on his face.

“True,” Ryan smiled back. For a moment the car became a little warm as attraction suddenly sprung to life, “Hey, not now! We can save that for after dinner. Plus, we’re here.”

Xander put his dark glasses back on. He’d recently decided that it was time to get fake eyes. Mostly because, the other day on the bus, he’d taken his glasses off for a moment and small child had started to cry. The eye patch only made sense when he still had one eye. Xander didn’t care about how it looked, but he certainly didn’t want to give children nightmares. So, he’d be getting glass eyes sometime in the next week. He, fortunately, didn’t have to wait because everything was healed. He had his cane in his hand but waited for Ryan to come around the car, so he could take his elbow. There were fewer questions if Xander pretended to be completely blind.

They stood on the porch after Ryan knocked, waiting for the door to open. When it did, Xander was presented with the ‘sight’ of a handsome, older man. With eyebrows of doom.

“Since when do you knock? Get in here. Hello, you must be Xander, my name is Sandy Cohen,” Sandy shook his head, amazed that Ryan would knock at his own house. This, more than anything, told Sandy how nervous Ryan was about all of this. He was also surprised to see that Xander was blind. He thought Seth said that he only had one eye?

“Very nice to meet you Sandy, I’m Xander.” Xander stuck out his hand and stopped. Leaving it open for Sandy to shake, which he did.

They entered the house and Sophie immediately hugged Ryan. She also dragged him into the living to show him something or other.

“Xander, why don’t you come to the kitchen? We’ll get you a glass of wine. Sophie will take a while to show Ryan everything that she’s been up to recently,” Sandy gently touched Xander’s shoulder and Xander awkwardly place a hand on Sandy’s elbow.

“Kirsten, guess who was knocking at the door? It was Ryan and Xander. This is Xander,” Kirsten looked up from her cooking and looked Sandy in the eyes. Doing that silent communication thing that all longtime couples seemed to do, she got the message about the door.

“Hi, Xander. Very nice to meet you.”

“It is nice to meet you, too, Mrs. Cohen. Ryan has told me so much about you guys. That is one guy who really loves his family,” Xander smiled widely. Since Ryan was out of the room, he didn’t see the guilty looks on Sandy and Kirsten’s faces. Seth had told them everything about his talk with Ryan. It hurt them to think that Ryan had been living according to some idea he had about what they wanted him to be.

“I wish we could say we’ve heard about you, but I’m sure you know about that too. Still, from what we understand, we have you to thank for Ryan’s increased happiness these past few weeks. We’ve been so worried about Ryan being alone,” Xander was touched. He hadn’t heard concerned mom-voice in ages. Since Joyce had died. It was in this moment that Xander knew Ryan’s relationship with the Cohens would be fine. It relaxed the small ball of tension in his gut.

A few weeks later

The last few weeks had been really good for Ryan. Things were great at work, because of his boon, and things were even better with his family. Ryan, for the first time in his life, was happy. Fully and completely happy. He could finally be himself and didn’t have to worry anymore. Even his love for Seth was easier to deal with. He still loved Seth, but it was no longer a burden anymore. He was okay with not being with Seth. Always had been. And, now that Seth and the Cohens knew about him, he could find another man to love.

Ryan wasn’t entirely sure, but he was beginning to think that the new man might be Xander. Xander had also been different these past few weeks. Neither had felt the need to fight and Xander obviously wasn’t walking around after dark hoping a vampire would finally get the best of him. Something seemed to have changed with Xander too; it looked like finally letting go of his past had been good for Xander.

Perhaps the only thing still troubling Xander was what to do with his life, since he couldn’t work construction anymore. Ryan had suggested he go to school, since Xander should probably learn Braille (Ryan couldn’t be around every time Xander might want to read). Xander had thought it was a great idea and was now learning Braille. He was also thinking of going to the local community college to learn some new job skills.

After many more conversations with Xander, Ryan had decided that the supernatural wasn’t his problem. In San Francisco, where they lived, the community was watched over by those three witches and a slayer. Not much was left for anyone else to do. Also, Xander had mentioned that there were hundreds of slayers around the world now. Sure, Ryan could join the fight if he wanted to, but he didn’t. His life was good right now. Xander was also right that, if Ryan really wanted to do something good, there were many human evils to worry about. Ryan thought that he might find some organization that helped troubled kids and volunteer himself. Xander thought is was a great idea and said he’d join too (Xander had mentioned a little about his childhood and, while not as bad as Ryan’s, wasn’t also all about puppies and rainbows).

“Hey,” Ryan said to get Xander’s attention.

“Yeah?” Xander was practicing his Braille skills and Ryan usually never bothered him during this time. Although, Ryan usually did stuff too instead of sitting and brooding.

All Ryan did was lean forward and kiss Xander gently on the lips. It was a light kiss and it wasn’t about sex. Xander could feel the affection Ryan put into the kiss. It made Xander smile. Ryan smiled back and, for a few moments, they just sat there smiling at each other.

Xander, for his part, got lost in Ryan’s eyes. They were so blue (and as Xander’s inner teen girl-child said, ‘So dreamy!’). Ryan enjoyed looking at Xander’s face. It was strange to see the two glass eyes looking back at him, but Ryan focused on Xander’s expression and smile (Xander’s face was so expressive and his smile so beautiful).

They both startled at the sound of loud knocking at Xander’s door. Xander got up and opened.

“Xander! You are alive! I’m so happy!” Ryan smiled as Xander was practically tackled by a beautiful young woman. Ryan also recognized that squeal.

“Dawn-patrol! Yes, I’m alive. But if you don’t quiet down I may soon be deaf, on top of being blind,” Xander joked.

“What!? You’re blind?” Ryan winced as her voice reached a new volume and pitch.

“Seriously, Dawn! Calm down before you start shattering glass. Sit down and I’ll explain every thing. Oh, Dawn, this is Ryan. Ryan, Dawn.” Xander made vague introductory gestures. Ryan stepped forward and stuck out his hand. Dawn shook it with wide eyes. Ryan, for a moment, thought he could see something mischievous lurking in her eyes.

“Ryan, huh? You are seriously hot. I also notice that you are blonde. Interesting,” she smiled and plunked herself on Xander’s couch, “Okay. You may begin your explanation. Please remember to include why Willow has been freaking out about your disappearance. Particularly since you happen to be living in the exact same apartment. Maybe your explanation could also include why you have two glass eyes now. Perhaps it could also include why you seem to have no trouble actually seeing, but with no eyes. Most importantly,” Dawn leaned forward, “your explanation had better include why there is as seriously hot guy in a state best described as ‘debauched’ in your apartment.”

Ryan swore he could see gleeful triumph in Dawn’s eyes when she finished speaking and Xander blushed and started babbling. Ryan only half understood Xander’s explanation, even though he’d been there for some of it.

“Huh, so, I can only see you because I’m fully human, eh? Handy that. Because not even this spell you did would have saved you, if that weren’t the case. It has been seriously funny watching Willow scramble around trying to figure out what happened to you. Even Buffy has been involved in the search for Xander, but they’ll never find you, will they?” Xander shook his head and Dawn continued, “I guess this explanation is satisfactory, as far as it goes. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you omitted explaining Ryan. I’ll leave it for now, since we both know that you’ll be telling me soon enough. In the meantime, can I watch you guys make out? ‘Cause I’m picturing it in my head and wondering if the reality is as good as my imagination.”

Xander began to sputter, blush, and choke at the same time. Ryan only raised an eyebrow (although there was the slightest hint of a blush).

Back in the ring

Ryan was looking at Xander stretch. They were about to have another sparring match. In the weeks after Dawn’s visit things had really changed with the two men. Xander was fully immersed in learning how to deal with the world as a mostly blind person. He expressed continual surprise that he was actually enjoying school, for once. He was even thinking of taking more classes at the community college when he was finished adjusting to his blindness.

Things with Seth were still on slightly rocky ground, but getting better with every conversation. The early ease of their friendship was resurfacing, now that Ryan wasn’t trying to hide from his feelings. Ryan was also noticing that as much as he still loved Seth, the painful edges were wearing away and it was settling into something more platonic. Having Xander in his life helped, since he had an outlet for his feelings.

As Xander finally finished stretching they squared off and all Ryan could think about was the difference. This was actually sparring. Somehow, over the course of their last few bouts, they had stopped fighting and started sparring. They no longer left the ring bloodied and bruised. The sex that followed was still just as hot and aggressive. But where their fights used to be about longing and despair, they now laughed and smiled.

To a great extent there was still a lot of stuff up in the air. He still didn’t know what he and Xander were doing. But when he lay at night with Xander in his arms, or in Xander’s arms, he felt at peace. His life was good and had been for quite some time. Xander seemed to give him enough peace to finally enjoy and fully embrace it. A part of him would always wonder and worry that it would all be taken away. At least now he was able to enjoy it while it lasted.

Xander was also lighter hearted. He didn’t go out at night anymore. Sure he couldn’t fight vampires or demons anymore, but there were actual muggings and human crimes he could have got involved in. Whenever Ryan asked about it, Xander only shrugged and said that there were other ways to help people. Xander was thinking of going into social work, to maybe help troubled youth. It was something good, worth doing, and quite necessary. Xander said he’d gotten into the habit of helping people and didn’t want to stop. Ryan didn’t think he should because, even though he was still getting to know Xander, he could tell that Xander had a big, caring heart. One, now that he’d cut all but one of his ties to the past, he was free to use again.

The future was uncertain but, for once, it made Ryan smile. Xander smiled back and held his glove out to start their match. Today, however, all Ryan wanted to do was laugh and lean back in Xander’s arms.